One of my favorite quotes is from Ferris Bueller. It says, “life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” There is so much truth behind that quote. Yet, I look at my life and feel that I am at a standstill. I often feel that life is moving on for those around me and my children, and here I am, stuck. 

This is not the first time I have mentioned that this is a rough time of year for me. This is where James’ diagnosis started to unfold. One year later, at the same time, this is where he began to decline. Even though time has passed, I don’t think that many realize that I am still suffering from the same hurt and survivor’s guilt that came in April 2020. I wonder, will it ever go away?

I look back, realizing that few things have changed since then. The biggest change has been family dynamics. I have never felt as alone as I do now. I ask: is it the holidays, or is it because my children and I are all truly alone? While I see people living their lives all around us, I feel that we are still stuck with this overwhelming feeling of helplessness. Sometimes it is all-consuming. I don’t want others to feel sorry for us, I never ask for pity. Instead, I desire to be understood. I crave respect. There have been times that I have found it lacking. 

I treasure the handful of people who have never left our side. Those people know who they are, and I am incredibly grateful. Beyond those who are physically here with us, there are those who work as a silent support system. They are the ones that I can call any time of day. I can’t imagine life without each of you. 

Just recently, I was home alone while my kids were spending the weekend in Reno. At 1am, the doorbell rang. There was no way I was going to answer the door at that hour. Instead, I let the person speak through the camera. A woman on the other side told me that her phone died and was asking for help. I asked for a phone number to call so she could get help, yet she did not have one to give me. 

With my kids being four hours away, I had to act quickly. There was no time to hesitate. They received an alert and wanted to know if I was safe. My oldest called my neighbor followed by my daughter-in-law. At that point, I was on the phone with 911. Before the police arrived, my daughter-in-law and neighbor had arrived at my door. I had hoped that the police would be able to help this girl. Yet, I was thankful that I had people to call on who dropped what they were doing and showed up within minutes. They helped make sure my house was secure and confirmed that the person at my door did not pose a danger.  I’ve watched enough crime news to know this could be a potential ploy to get me to open the door. I figured the police would be there to either protect this girl or protect me.

This experience has helped me realize that I am not as alone as I sometimes feel. My friends and family know that my children already lost one parent. I am confident that they will do everything in their power to make sure their mama is safe. I know my kids have a go-to plan. They were 4 hours away and were still able to follow through with making sure I was safe. As far as my daughter-in-law, she showed up ready for anything. Clearly, my daughter’s first calls were to the right people. She knew that between my DIL and my neighbor, I wasn’t alone. Thank you, Leanna and Sherry!

After James passed away, I was seriously considering purchasing a firearm. Looking back, I was in no position to have one. I have been healing daily while working on my mental health. I feel that I am finally ready to make that move. I have been looking for one, and with the help of a few knowledgeable people, I think I have found something that will work best for me and my home. 

This is another reminder that my kids mean everything to me. Sometimes I need them to protect me just as much as I find myself needing to protect them.

As you all know, we take an annual trip to Alaska in memory of my husband, James. It is something we love to do as a family. It is a way for us to remember the amazing times spent at one of James’ favorite places. Each year we go at the same time to make it extra special. When my mom became ill and went into hospice earlier this year, we made the decision to cancel this year’s trip so that we could care for her. She passed away on one of the days that we would have been in Alaska. While I was originally disappointed to forego our annual tradition, spending those final days with my mom was a gift. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It is now six months since she passed away and I miss her so much. 

When we canceled our trip, we found ourselves with flight credits to use at a later time. We thought hard about what we should do with them. After some discussion, we decided to use it to take a much-needed family trip. This would be a trip with just the kids and I. It would be something new and special for us.

This is the first time that we had a vacation with just the four of us since James passed away. I was hesitant to take this trip. However, Alex was about to start high school and if we were going to do it, we needed to do it before school started. 

I almost decided against booking the trip, but my oldest daughter surprised me with a few activities. She even booked us a rental car. Doing something nice for the family was crucial to her, and I am glad she took the initiative. I can see that the happiness of the family is very important to her. It made my heart very happy. Arianna followed with planning to take us all out for dinner. It makes me feel that James and I did something right with how we raised our daughters. Their generosity is a reflection of that. So here I am starting this post while being sun-kissed by the Hawaiian sun.

As a single mom, it is not easy to just pick up and take a vacation. It was a lot more simple when we were a two-parent household. Yet, here we are, and happy to be surrounded by my babies. Getting away as a family was definitely worth the hassle. I can not begin to express how thankful I am to have my amazing kids by my side, and I am happy to share our adventures with all of you. Your continued support is what keeps me going. 

Anxiety is real (and lame).  The anxiety I have experienced over the years is nothing compared to how it is today, literally speaking.  Before, I would casually say “oh, I have crazy anxiety today” about this or that.  However, today is so much different.  Only people who have experienced this before will understand.  I am an over thinker, and you take that with what I am experiencing now is overwhelming. 

For example, I question every word I say or every action I take.  I react in the moment and feel regret just minutes later.  That kind of mental torment takes over you, causes harm, and can make a person sick.  I don’t know how to read a text without making up my own tone in my head of how it was written.  An unanswered text or call has me questioning every moment that leads up to me asking myself “what did I do”. 

As a matter of fact, I am sure after publishing this blog post, I will think of 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have.   

I cried when I realized what I was writing in my book didn’t provide a timeline of how my husband’s cancer progressed.   Instead, I provided certain topics/subject that I wanted to share which in hindsight maybe I was preventing myself from feeling the pain again.  I can’t pinpoint the reasonings but after reading my book from a different lens, I wish I would have done so many things differently.  Shared a different story.  There is no turning back now.   

This anxiety has taken a toll on me but this time, James isn’t here to fix it or make it go away.  He had a way with me that I can’t explain.  He just made everything and every day a better one.  I miss him dearly!

This is not the post I wanted to write but for those who have not ordered a copy of the book yet, I have taken it down for a while. It is no longer available for purchase. You might be able to place an order but it won’t ship and eventually be cancelled. I am sorry if I prematurely reacted out of excitement. I just need to make sure it is the best it could be and it wasn’t. Next version will be sent at no charge to everyone who purchased the first version. I promise you won’t be disappointed.

I am now at a place in life where I do not have the time to sugar coat anything or say something that is not honest in order to make someone feel comfortable. It’s not right for anyone. I used to wonder what I would do without certain family members or friends in my life. While at one point I never could imagine life without them, I find that now I am strong enough to distance myself from anyone who does not truly desire a healthy relationship with boundaries. On my path of growth, I now fully understand the importance of creating a mentally and emotionally healthy environment for myself, my kids, and my home.

Family and friendships are naturally different. A family by definition is a group of at least one parent and their children living together as a unit. In-laws are those who are related by marriage. While relationships can be close, the natural inclination of a mother is to draw close to her children. 

Enablers are those people who encourage or enable negative or self-destruction behavior in another person. When another person has a life issue that needs to be solved, enabling that person to continue on a destructive path only hurts that person more. In the end, we are all responsible for our actions. Enabling another person always ends up not only hurting the enabler but also hurting others. Many people don’t realize this until the damage for all involved has become too great. Putting an end to enabling behavior is necessary for growth to take place. 

When it comes to my children and my home, I will always stand up for them when nobody else does. It doesn’t matter who it is. One thing that hurts me is seeing my children come in second. It’s not fair to them. This is a choice that every parent must make. Every child wants their parent to stand up for them and put them first. 

I felt the same about my husband. Even today, there is a lot of hurt present. I refuse to allow anyone a place in my life who was not there for him/us. Just because he is gone does not mean that my love for him is. He will forever be a part of who I am. I feel that there is no place in my life for those who watched others hurt my children or husband and did nothing. I apply the same guilt to the person who was an enabler as to the one who caused the pain. This is why I have separated myself. I feel that there is no need for an explanation in the matter anymore.

A while has passed since I posted last, 97 days to be exact. In my absence, I realized that I missed sharing life with you and keeping everyone updated on what is happening. I guess it’s been due to not having much to post about. Yet, things are happening, and now is a good time for an update. 

While changes have been ongoing at home and in life, I find that feelings of grief and sadness still linger. I have had a mix of feelings about this blog. I have questioned whether I should keep it going or quit. I have considered taking it down, but do not want a momentary feeling to cloud my judgment on the matter. 

The truth is, I do not think that I will ever want to stop sharing James with you all, at least not now. I look back on his life, and see that he was (and still is) loved by so many. Yet, I wonder if it has impeded my own growth. The memory of him consumes me. However, I love that I am consumed by thoughts of him, even in death. Yet, I can not help but wonder how others feel about it, and if I am sharing too much. I think: Has anyone said, “James is all she talks about” or “When will she let it go”. So for those of you who are ready to move on from hearing anything I have to say about my beloved James and my family, please feel free to unfollow the blog. No hard feelings!

I am still trying to live alone. Each day without him near is a challenge. I struggle with loneliness. I work through these feelings daily. Yet, one can not know how it is until they lose someone dear to them. James was (and still is) a part of me. His absence has left a hole in my life that I do not know if I can ever fill. Writing this blog has helped me to fill it as much as I can. 

I hope that you still enjoy reading about my family. Deep down I know that I am not ready to give this up. I am happy to say that my kids are leaning on each other more each day. Our bond is growing. It is stronger than ever before. It is just us now. 

Sometimes our home feels empty, even with all of us in it. Sometimes all we do is smile and share our laughter. At the end of the day, all we have is each other. While there is sadness, it is a beautiful thing to have a family to lean on and heal with during the hard times.

For those of you who want to stick around for the ride, thank you! Don’t forget to buckle up.

I could never have imagined the joy that celebrating his 50th birthday would have brought me. It was more than I ever could have asked for. I have spent other special occasions without him and I often felt sadness. Yet, this time I found myself in a much happier mood. This was a huge surprise to me, but it made me feel more connected to him in so many ways. 

To honor him, I wanted to do something extra special. I made 50+ candles and shared them with loved ones that wanted to partake in celebrating his 50th heavenly birthday. I felt that this was a beautiful gesture that brought light into the darkness that his absence has left behind. It turned out more stunning than I envisioned. 

Social media was lit up with many people posting birthday wishes for him! I could not believe the outpouring of love. It truly was a reflection of the kind of man he was. I can’t even put into words how much I miss him. I keep finding myself giving him the same love every day that I did when he was here with me. 

I can not stop thinking about all the things I would have liked to have attempted to do to make his birthday memorable. I know that I could do more. I am reminded of how I lived for him. Making him happy brought me great happiness. He loved his special day and I will continue to work to keep his memory alive. There will be many more. He will never be forgotten. 

I know in my heart that he was with all of us as we honored him on his 50th birthday. I am so thankful for those who had a part in honoring him. It means more to me than words can say.

“There are some who bring a light so great to the world

that even after they have gone, their light remains“

Writing this post has been hell. I never thought I would need to do this, but here I am. As I have come to know all too well, life can change quickly. 

In early January, my mom started hospice while in a private living home that provided care. I knew that the time would eventually come when I would bring her home to spend her final days. On Thursday, February 11th my mom came to live with me. This would allow her to be surrounded by family and close friends. Once again, my living room turned into a makeshift hospital. This brought back memories of the 24-hour care and the constant worry that I was making her comfortable. 

Before I knew it, I was completely reliving the past. History was now repeating itself. Here I was, clinging to a little thread of sanity. I was in survival mode. Others claim to understand what it is like, but they can not unless they go through it themselves. 

I hit rock bottom. In what seemed like an instant, all the hard work spent rebuilding my mental health vanished. It was replaced with the trauma that came from caring for my husband when he was on hospice. With every nurse’s visit, I was all too familiar with their terms. I also knew what was coming next. I watched as my mom’s body started to shut down. Eleven days after coming home, she passed away. She was surrounded by my daughters, her sister, niece, and myself. As she took her last breath, I held her hand. 

I could not have gone through those eleven days without my daughters by my side. I feel pride in having raised such great kids who willingly poured their hearts into caring for their grandmother. I also understand that they are going through their trauma once again and I tried to be respectful to their feelings. 

I know that some people may disagree with how I handled some of the situations. There will always be some who do not agree with how I run my household. Yet, looking back, I understand that I was dealing with things the best way that I knew how. I took care of things in the way that worked well for me when under extreme stress. People have not walked in my shoes or had the same experiences as I have. While everyone has experienced some kind of loss, I see this as MY story.

One of the requests I made was for nobody to take a picture of my mom once she became unresponsive. I wanted the memories of her to be before her bright light began to dim. I knew that was not how she wanted to be remembered, and that’s not how I wanted to remember her, either. People do not have to agree, but I do believe that they should respect my decision.

My love for my mom blossomed into something that I can never truly explain. That love made me protect her to the fullest. I made the oftentimes painful decision to not allow any negativity to enter the home while she was with me. I could not jeopardize my moral principles for the desires of others. I found that my circle was getting smaller, and that gave me clarity in regards to who truly had my family’s best interests at heart.

In hindsight, I realized that I felt regret on the day that my husband passed away. I wish that I had done things differently. I need to live with that. I was terrified that I did not enjoy his final moments the way that I had played them out in my head. Therefore, I made a different choice when my mother passed away. 

During that difficult moment, I did not lose focus. I worked hard to keep things as peaceful as possible. The peace vanished the moment when others felt that I should not have restrictions in place. Now, my heart hurts. This has given me something else to worry about during my time of grief. Looking back, I would not change a thing. I know that it makes my mom proud.

I miss my mom more than I ever thought I would. My heart aches. It feels like a crumpled piece of paper that can never go back to being smooth. There is so much that will never be the same.

I am well acquainted with grief. My family has experienced much loss over the past couple of years. As I have mourned, I have also lost relationships, both with family members and friends. This has only compounded the grief I have felt. I have a better understanding of the importance of support during the hard times of life. 

I was my mother’s primary caregiver for several years. I continued caring for her as my husband went into hospice but I struggled doing everything alone with only the help of my daughters. Although I am not an only child, it felt that I was for many years. I was the only one providing for her because others didn’t think they had an obligation.  My outcries for help were often ignored unless there was something to gain.

It wasn’t easy taking care of myself and my children so I made the decision to move her to a private care home when my husband went in to hospice. Her new caregiver, Lindsey, has done an amazing job being there for my mother. She has taken care of her in ways that I cannot. For that, I am incredibly grateful. It was at the start of the Pandemic right after James passed away and it made it impossible for me to bring my mother back home. Not only did COVID make it unsafe, but I was not in any position to give her the care that she needed.

I think back to my relationship with my mom, it has not always been easy. There have been many turbulent moments in our relationship. Yet, over the past few years, we have bonded. We have grown to respect each other in a way that I never would have previously imagined was possible. Even though her caregiver lives with her and takes good care of her, I still help care for her needs. I do my part by picking up her prescriptions, paying her rent and other bills, providing for all her daily necessities, and other things as they arise. My daughters often surprise her with an ice cream or her favorite treat. Our options to see her are limited due to guidelines set by the property manager. Our visits usually consist of hanging out talking through a window.

I did pick her up to take her to see Christmas lights with my kids (my kids and I are vaccinated and took all the proper precautions), I realized just how much her health had been declining this day. Her laugh and smile are usually what I look forward to, but as I looked closer, I could see the exhaustion in her eyes.

My mom started hospice/comfort care recently in early January after several trips to the emergency room. She deals with advanced COPD and dementia. When discussing her condition with her doctor, he said that they could not do much more for her at this stage in her life. Hospice care was the only option. When we admitted her to hospice, she also tested positive for covid that same week. Thankfully, her symptoms were mild. She dealt with fatigue, loss of appetite, and thankfully did not develop a fever. With COPD and her breathing issues, we were very concerned since she was already on 24 hours oxygen. 

I hear the phrase “life is short.”  It is easily said, but often rarely reflected upon. I learned the true meaning of that phrase when my husband was going through his journey with cancer. Looking at my mother, I know that life is short. When it comes to spending time with her, I don’t want there to be any regrets. She needs to be checked in on. Loneliness is a reality for her. While I know that she does not remember every person in her life, she knows what it feels like to be loved, and being with someone, showing her love is often the best thing we can give.

What happens next? That’s the question I always ask myself. I know that she still has a lot of life left in her. I want to be there and give her the best life she can have. That’s how I felt about my husband, and I worked hard to show him that. I know that I can do the same for my mom.

If anyone feels compelled to, please reach out to her sooner rather than later. When the time comes, I will bring my mom home with me to be surround by those who took care of her when she needed it the most. However, in the meantime while she is still able to carry a conversation, show her you care.

THANK YOU, MOM! Thank you for loving me and giving me the peace of mind I need during these hard times.

Many of you may be wondering where I’ve been? Others may be wondering how I’m doing? Well the answer is, I’m still figuring those things out. I’ve had a lot of time to self reflect and this has lead me down a path towards the idea of writing a book of my very own. It is actually something that I have been working on for some time and it’s finally coming to fruition.

Writing for me has been extremely therapeutic. As the words go from thoughts and emotions, and onto paper, it has not only helped me heal, but has also allowed me to confront some other trauma I’ve endured throughout my life that I’ve never spoken about.

I’ve never had the courage to be so open and vulnerable, but lately I’ve been feeling inspired and motivated. I know many others probably have experienced some of the things that I have, but the thought of being able to help someone else come to a realization or to impact them in a way for them to know they’re not alone, is something that I love and that I’m passionate about.

This book will be a mixture of my blog with a few other surprises. I am excited to share it with you all once it is complete.

I appreciate all your support.   You all have been an inspiration to me and I’m excited to see where this goes.

Do you still miss him? Are the kids doing okay? Do you see yourself ever dating again? Are you still grieving? What are your plans? Those are all questions that have been asked multiple times by multiple people. It seems that these are the questions that people want to know. The answer is, I don’t have an answer. Every day is different. Right now I just want to focus on me and my mental health.

As I write this, it’s been 1 year, 4 months, 18 days since I lost my husband. During the time James was going through immunotherapy, he was feeling his best and we thought it was a good time for me to go back to work after being home with him for about a year after diagnosis. I started my new job in early December 2019. Everything was going great, then his health started to decline. I found myself being a caregiver to my mom, juggling a new job and time with my husband, dealing with the start of a pandemic, and all the other family issues that come along with what we were going through. You can imagine the stress that came along with all of that. I was about three and a half months in to my new job when James went into hospice. I didn’t go with him to his last appointment to see his Oncologist, our oldest daughter went with him that day. At the time we didn’t know that would be his last appointment. Had I known the Doctor was going to say “we will just focus on keeping you comfortable” then I would have made an effort to go to this appointment. James called me as he was walking back to the car. Imagine, me at a new job and trying my best to keep my shit together. I didn’t want to be judged by anyone at work, but knowing now what I wish I knew then was I would end up being judged anyways. James passed just a few weeks later. Quarantine had started and it was a scary time for everyone. After my bereavement time was over, I was working from home, like most people. I was at home every day looking at the same spot where my husband passed. I was still training at the time and I just couldn’t retain the information. Those who have worked with me in the past know this isn’t me. But it was clear I had to sink or swim. I sank!! I sank and almost drowned until I got the okay to return to the office on August 5, 2020. By that time, too much damage was done. It is something I need to accept. My fear of failure was actually my reality. I failed!! I failed at keeping my shit together. No one will ever understand unless you been through it but a colleague told me that I need to get it together after I was explaining my struggles. “a life is a life, people lose loved ones everyday”, that was the response I got when I explained losing a spouse is life changing. I went home that day and cried myself to sleep but this person was right I guess, why should I get a pass, what made me special? It didn’t matter that watching him suffer daily and slowly die from this horrible disease was traumatic for me and my children. I was no different from a person who lost a friend, a mother, a cousin, a neighbor, a grandparent, or even co-worker.

I invested my time with people who I thought cared. I was in survival mode and wanted to make everyone happy in fear of failure. My self-worth was at the mercy of others. I contemplated leaving my company so many times because I associated it with an ugly time in my life. I lost my husband, I made poor decisions, I was numbing the pain with alcohol, and wasn’t who I used to pride myself to be. It was a daily struggle. Then a bitter sweet blessing happened a few weeks ago when I was told that my entire team was being laid off later this year. The silver lining is I will have the opportunity to fix what was broken. I can spend time with my kids and allow them to be kids again. They all stepped up when I couldn’t and I will be forever grateful. I am excited to close this chapter and ready for the next. It hasn’t been written yet but I am planning on making it the start of many joyful moments. Work on me! By working on myself, I will be a better mom, daughter, friend, and employee to the next company who gets the pleasure of having me on their team.

Thank you to those who never gave up on me when I was at my worst. I write this to you! By sharing this with you all, I hold myself accountable. I can’t wait to meet the girl that I know is in me. Although losing a job has a whole new set of obstacles, I know I will land on my feet, I always do. The day we were notified, I had a 1:1 with my boss and I walked in the conference room and he asked me “why are you smiling”…. I knew at that moment that I had so many things to look forward to. It is funny how life works. I didn’t need to make the decision, it was made for me because god knew I couldn’t make it alone.

My company is great and I enjoyed my time here and the people I crossed paths with but I am READY to leave that all behind and start my next adventure and work on ME! Let’s go!