I am now at a place in life where I do not have the time to sugar coat anything or say something that is not honest in order to make someone feel comfortable. It’s not right for anyone. I used to wonder what I would do without certain family members or friends in my life. While at one point I never could imagine life without them, I find that now I am strong enough to distance myself from anyone who does not truly desire a healthy relationship with boundaries. On my path of growth, I now fully understand the importance of creating a mentally and emotionally healthy environment for myself, my kids, and my home.

Family and friendships are naturally different. A family by definition is a group of at least one parent and their children living together as a unit. In-laws are those who are related by marriage. While relationships can be close, the natural inclination of a mother is to draw close to her children. 

Enablers are those people who encourage or enable negative or self-destruction behavior in another person. When another person has a life issue that needs to be solved, enabling that person to continue on a destructive path only hurts that person more. In the end, we are all responsible for our actions. Enabling another person always ends up not only hurting the enabler but also hurting others. Many people don’t realize this until the damage for all involved has become too great. Putting an end to enabling behavior is necessary for growth to take place. 

When it comes to my children and my home, I will always stand up for them when nobody else does. It doesn’t matter who it is. One thing that hurts me is seeing my children come in second. It’s not fair to them. This is a choice that every parent must make. Every child wants their parent to stand up for them and put them first. 

I felt the same about my husband. Even today, there is a lot of hurt present. I refuse to allow anyone a place in my life who was not there for him/us. Just because he is gone does not mean that my love for him is. He will forever be a part of who I am. I feel that there is no place in my life for those who watched others hurt my children or husband and did nothing. I apply the same guilt to the person who was an enabler as to the one who caused the pain. This is why I have separated myself. I feel that there is no need for an explanation in the matter anymore.

A while has passed since I posted last, 97 days to be exact. In my absence, I realized that I missed sharing life with you and keeping everyone updated on what is happening. I guess it’s been due to not having much to post about. Yet, things are happening, and now is a good time for an update. 

While changes have been ongoing at home and in life, I find that feelings of grief and sadness still linger. I have had a mix of feelings about this blog. I have questioned whether I should keep it going or quit. I have considered taking it down, but do not want a momentary feeling to cloud my judgment on the matter. 

The truth is, I do not think that I will ever want to stop sharing James with you all, at least not now. I look back on his life, and see that he was (and still is) loved by so many. Yet, I wonder if it has impeded my own growth. The memory of him consumes me. However, I love that I am consumed by thoughts of him, even in death. Yet, I can not help but wonder how others feel about it, and if I am sharing too much. I think: Has anyone said, “James is all she talks about” or “When will she let it go”. So for those of you who are ready to move on from hearing anything I have to say about my beloved James and my family, please feel free to unfollow the blog. No hard feelings!

I am still trying to live alone. Each day without him near is a challenge. I struggle with loneliness. I work through these feelings daily. Yet, one can not know how it is until they lose someone dear to them. James was (and still is) a part of me. His absence has left a hole in my life that I do not know if I can ever fill. Writing this blog has helped me to fill it as much as I can. 

I hope that you still enjoy reading about my family. Deep down I know that I am not ready to give this up. I am happy to say that my kids are leaning on each other more each day. Our bond is growing. It is stronger than ever before. It is just us now. 

Sometimes our home feels empty, even with all of us in it. Sometimes all we do is smile and share our laughter. At the end of the day, all we have is each other. While there is sadness, it is a beautiful thing to have a family to lean on and heal with during the hard times.

For those of you who want to stick around for the ride, thank you! Don’t forget to buckle up.

I could never have imagined the joy that celebrating his 50th birthday would have brought me. It was more than I ever could have asked for. I have spent other special occasions without him and I often felt sadness. Yet, this time I found myself in a much happier mood. This was a huge surprise to me, but it made me feel more connected to him in so many ways. 

To honor him, I wanted to do something extra special. I made 50+ candles and shared them with loved ones that wanted to partake in celebrating his 50th heavenly birthday. I felt that this was a beautiful gesture that brought light into the darkness that his absence has left behind. It turned out more stunning than I envisioned. 

Social media was lit up with many people posting birthday wishes for him! I could not believe the outpouring of love. It truly was a reflection of the kind of man he was. I can’t even put into words how much I miss him. I keep finding myself giving him the same love every day that I did when he was here with me. 

I can not stop thinking about all the things I would have liked to have attempted to do to make his birthday memorable. I know that I could do more. I am reminded of how I lived for him. Making him happy brought me great happiness. He loved his special day and I will continue to work to keep his memory alive. There will be many more. He will never be forgotten. 

I know in my heart that he was with all of us as we honored him on his 50th birthday. I am so thankful for those who had a part in honoring him. It means more to me than words can say.

“There are some who bring a light so great to the world

that even after they have gone, their light remains“

Writing this post has been hell. I never thought I would need to do this, but here I am. As I have come to know all too well, life can change quickly. 

In early January, my mom started hospice while in a private living home that provided care. I knew that the time would eventually come when I would bring her home to spend her final days. On Thursday, February 11th my mom came to live with me. This would allow her to be surrounded by family and close friends. Once again, my living room turned into a makeshift hospital. This brought back memories of the 24-hour care and the constant worry that I was making her comfortable. 

Before I knew it, I was completely reliving the past. History was now repeating itself. Here I was, clinging to a little thread of sanity. I was in survival mode. Others claim to understand what it is like, but they can not unless they go through it themselves. 

I hit rock bottom. In what seemed like an instant, all the hard work spent rebuilding my mental health vanished. It was replaced with the trauma that came from caring for my husband when he was on hospice. With every nurse’s visit, I was all too familiar with their terms. I also knew what was coming next. I watched as my mom’s body started to shut down. Eleven days after coming home, she passed away. She was surrounded by my daughters, her sister, niece, and myself. As she took her last breath, I held her hand. 

I could not have gone through those eleven days without my daughters by my side. I feel pride in having raised such great kids who willingly poured their hearts into caring for their grandmother. I also understand that they are going through their trauma once again and I tried to be respectful to their feelings. 

I know that some people may disagree with how I handled some of the situations. There will always be some who do not agree with how I run my household. Yet, looking back, I understand that I was dealing with things the best way that I knew how. I took care of things in the way that worked well for me when under extreme stress. People have not walked in my shoes or had the same experiences as I have. While everyone has experienced some kind of loss, I see this as MY story.

One of the requests I made was for nobody to take a picture of my mom once she became unresponsive. I wanted the memories of her to be before her bright light began to dim. I knew that was not how she wanted to be remembered, and that’s not how I wanted to remember her, either. People do not have to agree, but I do believe that they should respect my decision.

My love for my mom blossomed into something that I can never truly explain. That love made me protect her to the fullest. I made the oftentimes painful decision to not allow any negativity to enter the home while she was with me. I could not jeopardize my moral principles for the desires of others. I found that my circle was getting smaller, and that gave me clarity in regards to who truly had my family’s best interests at heart.

In hindsight, I realized that I felt regret on the day that my husband passed away. I wish that I had done things differently. I need to live with that. I was terrified that I did not enjoy his final moments the way that I had played them out in my head. Therefore, I made a different choice when my mother passed away. 

During that difficult moment, I did not lose focus. I worked hard to keep things as peaceful as possible. The peace vanished the moment when others felt that I should not have restrictions in place. Now, my heart hurts. This has given me something else to worry about during my time of grief. Looking back, I would not change a thing. I know that it makes my mom proud.

I miss my mom more than I ever thought I would. My heart aches. It feels like a crumpled piece of paper that can never go back to being smooth. There is so much that will never be the same.

I am well acquainted with grief. My family has experienced much loss over the past couple of years. As I have mourned, I have also lost relationships, both with family members and friends. This has only compounded the grief I have felt. I have a better understanding of the importance of support during the hard times of life. 

I was my mother’s primary caregiver for several years. I continued caring for her as my husband went into hospice but I struggled doing everything alone with only the help of my daughters. Although I am not an only child, it felt that I was for many years. I was the only one providing for her because others didn’t think they had an obligation.  My outcries for help were often ignored unless there was something to gain.

It wasn’t easy taking care of myself and my children so I made the decision to move her to a private care home when my husband went in to hospice. Her new caregiver, Lindsey, has done an amazing job being there for my mother. She has taken care of her in ways that I cannot. For that, I am incredibly grateful. It was at the start of the Pandemic right after James passed away and it made it impossible for me to bring my mother back home. Not only did COVID make it unsafe, but I was not in any position to give her the care that she needed.

I think back to my relationship with my mom, it has not always been easy. There have been many turbulent moments in our relationship. Yet, over the past few years, we have bonded. We have grown to respect each other in a way that I never would have previously imagined was possible. Even though her caregiver lives with her and takes good care of her, I still help care for her needs. I do my part by picking up her prescriptions, paying her rent and other bills, providing for all her daily necessities, and other things as they arise. My daughters often surprise her with an ice cream or her favorite treat. Our options to see her are limited due to guidelines set by the property manager. Our visits usually consist of hanging out talking through a window.

I did pick her up to take her to see Christmas lights with my kids (my kids and I are vaccinated and took all the proper precautions), I realized just how much her health had been declining this day. Her laugh and smile are usually what I look forward to, but as I looked closer, I could see the exhaustion in her eyes.

My mom started hospice/comfort care recently in early January after several trips to the emergency room. She deals with advanced COPD and dementia. When discussing her condition with her doctor, he said that they could not do much more for her at this stage in her life. Hospice care was the only option. When we admitted her to hospice, she also tested positive for covid that same week. Thankfully, her symptoms were mild. She dealt with fatigue, loss of appetite, and thankfully did not develop a fever. With COPD and her breathing issues, we were very concerned since she was already on 24 hours oxygen. 

I hear the phrase “life is short.”  It is easily said, but often rarely reflected upon. I learned the true meaning of that phrase when my husband was going through his journey with cancer. Looking at my mother, I know that life is short. When it comes to spending time with her, I don’t want there to be any regrets. She needs to be checked in on. Loneliness is a reality for her. While I know that she does not remember every person in her life, she knows what it feels like to be loved, and being with someone, showing her love is often the best thing we can give.

What happens next? That’s the question I always ask myself. I know that she still has a lot of life left in her. I want to be there and give her the best life she can have. That’s how I felt about my husband, and I worked hard to show him that. I know that I can do the same for my mom.

If anyone feels compelled to, please reach out to her sooner rather than later. When the time comes, I will bring my mom home with me to be surround by those who took care of her when she needed it the most. However, in the meantime while she is still able to carry a conversation, show her you care.

THANK YOU, MOM! Thank you for loving me and giving me the peace of mind I need during these hard times.

Many of you may be wondering where I’ve been? Others may be wondering how I’m doing? Well the answer is, I’m still figuring those things out. I’ve had a lot of time to self reflect and this has lead me down a path towards the idea of writing a book of my very own. It is actually something that I have been working on for some time and it’s finally coming to fruition.

Writing for me has been extremely therapeutic. As the words go from thoughts and emotions, and onto paper, it has not only helped me heal, but has also allowed me to confront some other trauma I’ve endured throughout my life that I’ve never spoken about.

I’ve never had the courage to be so open and vulnerable, but lately I’ve been feeling inspired and motivated. I know many others probably have experienced some of the things that I have, but the thought of being able to help someone else come to a realization or to impact them in a way for them to know they’re not alone, is something that I love and that I’m passionate about.

This book will be a mixture of my blog with a few other surprises. I am excited to share it with you all once it is complete.

I appreciate all your support.   You all have been an inspiration to me and I’m excited to see where this goes.

Do you still miss him? Are the kids doing okay? Do you see yourself ever dating again? Are you still grieving? What are your plans? Those are all questions that have been asked multiple times by multiple people. It seems that these are the questions that people want to know. The answer is, I don’t have an answer. Every day is different. Right now I just want to focus on me and my mental health.

As I write this, it’s been 1 year, 4 months, 18 days since I lost my husband. During the time James was going through immunotherapy, he was feeling his best and we thought it was a good time for me to go back to work after being home with him for about a year after diagnosis. I started my new job in early December 2019. Everything was going great, then his health started to decline. I found myself being a caregiver to my mom, juggling a new job and time with my husband, dealing with the start of a pandemic, and all the other family issues that come along with what we were going through. You can imagine the stress that came along with all of that. I was about three and a half months in to my new job when James went into hospice. I didn’t go with him to his last appointment to see his Oncologist, our oldest daughter went with him that day. At the time we didn’t know that would be his last appointment. Had I known the Doctor was going to say “we will just focus on keeping you comfortable” then I would have made an effort to go to this appointment. James called me as he was walking back to the car. Imagine, me at a new job and trying my best to keep my shit together. I didn’t want to be judged by anyone at work, but knowing now what I wish I knew then was I would end up being judged anyways. James passed just a few weeks later. Quarantine had started and it was a scary time for everyone. After my bereavement time was over, I was working from home, like most people. I was at home every day looking at the same spot where my husband passed. I was still training at the time and I just couldn’t retain the information. Those who have worked with me in the past know this isn’t me. But it was clear I had to sink or swim. I sank!! I sank and almost drowned until I got the okay to return to the office on August 5, 2020. By that time, too much damage was done. It is something I need to accept. My fear of failure was actually my reality. I failed!! I failed at keeping my shit together. No one will ever understand unless you been through it but a colleague told me that I need to get it together after I was explaining my struggles. “a life is a life, people lose loved ones everyday”, that was the response I got when I explained losing a spouse is life changing. I went home that day and cried myself to sleep but this person was right I guess, why should I get a pass, what made me special? It didn’t matter that watching him suffer daily and slowly die from this horrible disease was traumatic for me and my children. I was no different from a person who lost a friend, a mother, a cousin, a neighbor, a grandparent, or even co-worker.

I invested my time with people who I thought cared. I was in survival mode and wanted to make everyone happy in fear of failure. My self-worth was at the mercy of others. I contemplated leaving my company so many times because I associated it with an ugly time in my life. I lost my husband, I made poor decisions, I was numbing the pain with alcohol, and wasn’t who I used to pride myself to be. It was a daily struggle. Then a bitter sweet blessing happened a few weeks ago when I was told that my entire team was being laid off later this year. The silver lining is I will have the opportunity to fix what was broken. I can spend time with my kids and allow them to be kids again. They all stepped up when I couldn’t and I will be forever grateful. I am excited to close this chapter and ready for the next. It hasn’t been written yet but I am planning on making it the start of many joyful moments. Work on me! By working on myself, I will be a better mom, daughter, friend, and employee to the next company who gets the pleasure of having me on their team.

Thank you to those who never gave up on me when I was at my worst. I write this to you! By sharing this with you all, I hold myself accountable. I can’t wait to meet the girl that I know is in me. Although losing a job has a whole new set of obstacles, I know I will land on my feet, I always do. The day we were notified, I had a 1:1 with my boss and I walked in the conference room and he asked me “why are you smiling”…. I knew at that moment that I had so many things to look forward to. It is funny how life works. I didn’t need to make the decision, it was made for me because god knew I couldn’t make it alone.

My company is great and I enjoyed my time here and the people I crossed paths with but I am READY to leave that all behind and start my next adventure and work on ME! Let’s go!

I wrote this letter to James and read it during his memorial service earlier this year (April 2021). It was the hardest thing I had to write and I wanted to keep it to myself but if I read it to all those who joined his service then I can share it with all my readers. After all, I started this blog to share my story. That means to be vulnerable and also be transparent. Here is my final love letter to my beloved husband.

To my forever love,

We had our first real date in 2001. I remember it like it was yesterday. You were wearing a mustard color button up and smelled like you just walked out of a GQ magazine. Over 20 years later, I still have that exact shirt. I remember putting it on when I finally had the courage to go through your side of the closet. I knew that day of our first date that you would one day be my husband.

I tried to write this letter so many times. There are just so many things I want to tell you. I miss how every day you would text or call me to let me know you made it to work okay. Even on the days we drove together and I dropped you off myself. You thought it would make me laugh and it did. You had a smile that lit up any room. I would joke all the time saying I didn’t know what bet you lost when you decided to spend your life with me. The truth is, I still question how I was able to get you to marry me. It could have been my awesome dance moves, or maybe because you needed a little bit of crazy in your life. Either way, we had a way to balance each other out and I lived for it.

There is not a single day that has gone by that I have not thought about you. I wake up each morning finding distractions to help me get through the day. I know I was not an easy person to love, especially when I didn’t know how to love myself but somehow that changed. You gave me everything I needed and taught me how to love. I used to think I was the strongest one between the two of us and boy was I wrong. You were a man of faith and you reminded me daily what a wonderful life we had

I miss my early morning weekend texts telling me to come downstairs and meet you in the backyard. I already knew what I was going to find, you sitting there waiting for me with a cup of coffee in your hand. You made my coffee every weekend without fail. I still can’t manage to make my own cup of coffee, It just doesn’t taste the same. We would sit outside, drink our coffee, and just enjoy each other’s company before the kids wake up. Sometimes we would sneak off and have breakfast without them and then come home pretending like that we just went to run an errand. Most of the time they could see the guilty look on our face.

Thank you for loving me the way you did. It is the type of love that some people only read about or see in movies. The type of love that could never be replicated. The type of love that can take your breath away. I remember how sometimes you would catch me looking at you as if it was the first time we met. That kind of love is rare and that is what we had.

We often talked about growing old together and how you would take care of me in my old age. Now I am left for our children to take care of me and we both know we don’t trust them like that. I am counting down the days to be with you again. To see your smile is what I look forward to the most.

I can talk about how things were after you became ill but I refuse to give that ugly disease any attention today. Today we celebrate you and how you made an impact on so many lives. It is evident by the amount of love that has been displayed this past year. You are deeply missed by so many. Please continue to watch over us, and look after our kids, walk besides them daily.

I want to thank your mom for loving me and being the best mother in law a person can ask for. Don’t worry babe, I am doing my best to take care of her as much as she takes care of me. She is ultimately the reason you were the man you were.

I love you forever and ever!

Hug hug, kiss kiss, hug hug, big kiss, little hug, kiss kiss, little kiss.

Your Wife,

Bambi

As we head into the end of May and it being mental health awareness month, I felt inspired to write this post. It is no secret that I’ve struggled with depression and have had my fair share of anxiety. I have been very open about what I considered a traumatic childhood. I’d like to just share some thoughts and feelings about a moment I had this past week during a doctor’s visit.

A couple days ago I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. I wasn’t prepared to walk in the building and room where James was sitting when they told us they found a “suspicious growth”. I wrote about that moment very early on when I started this blog. As I walked in and looked right at that area his bed was, I immediately started to cry. The nurses right away thought I was in pain of some sort. I told them it was just emotional for me to be there.

They took me in a different room, but it didn’t stop the tears flooding down my face. I found my way to the restroom where I locked myself in there for a few minutes to cry and call my brother in law, the man James looked up to so much. He had his fair share of listening to me cry with no words exchanged. Just my luck too that the same GI Doctor that James had was now doing that same procedure on me. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster that I wasn’t prepared for.

All I kept thinking about was the last time I was there and how it didn’t go well and now here I am. I couldn’t help but wonder what James was thinking while he was sitting there in that room. Was he scared, angry, nervous, anxious, or maybe all of it. I briefly put myself in his shoes and couldn’t imagine what he was thinking.

Going back to the beginning of this post and discussing depression, well here I am now struggling with being alone and being without my best friend for the rest of my life. I never thought that one day I would want to go back to the depression that I had before losing James because now, oddly enough, I would give anything to feel that pain again. Why you ask? Well nothing compares to the pain I woke up to feeling this morning. Feeling alone is painful and my heart aches everyday as I miss him so incredibly much.

I can count on my hand the amount of people that have genuinely been there for me. This doesn’t include the Ibarra family, they have all been there for me and unfortunately more than my own family. I sometimes feel I mattered more when James was by my side than I do without him. I learned that my kids and I are a team and all that matters now is that we have each other. For those who know my kids, they are not very touchy feely and rarely talk about feelings. They tuck them away and leave them there.

However, my Andrea told me this past weekend that we only have each other and I hated to hear that, but she was right. The best part of when she said that was she told us to put our hands in together in the middle like a team does and with tears in my eyes, Arianna and I did what she asked and the three of us did our hand-stack. Alex wasn’t with us but I know he would have done it with us with a smile on his face. I’m grateful James gave me this family and as much as I want to quit and succumb to old habits and patterns, I know I have a bigger purpose.

James and I were together for half my life.  There was not a single day that didn’t include him in it.  Being a wife played a huge role in my identity.  Now I am a widow.  That pains me to say, this is actually the first time I called myself that.  I never referred to him as my late husband, he has and will always just be my husband.

So, how do I figure out who I am without my spouse?  Who am I now?  How do I transform and how do I prepare myself for what is next?   These are just a few of the questions that I have asked myself this past year. 

I remember a day last summer sitting in my backyard with my friend.  The weather was perfect, the music playing helped make the afternoon even better.  We enjoyed laughs with a drink in our hand when I realized that James and I will never share those types of moments anymore but yet I still was able to smile and have fun.  It was like a moment of clarity for me, one step closer to finding my new identity.  I just had to accept that I had to find that out alone and not rely on the help of others.  I remember that day clearly and it hurts me thinking about it just as much as it brings a smile to my face.

Although I am grateful for the overwhelming amount of support and comfort that comes along with losing someone, I am also ready to get to know who I am again.  Find that comfort and clarity I found that one summer day.  

I miss James so much and that will never end.  We shared a love like no other.  Wherever this next chapter takes me, I know James will be proud. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28