Let’s dive right into it.   Today I was told that the boy, now man, that called me mom and I grew to love as my own, doesn’t want anything to do with me.  Those were the exact words, “He doesn’t want anything to do with you”.  Although hurtful, deep down I knew it was true and I was okay with that.  Once James was diagnosed, him and I were no longer of value, so we were both treated as such.   The efforts we put in to trying to save someone when they didn’t want to be left an opening to not be there for those who did want us around.  This isn’t a topic I usually talk about, but I’ve never lied to any of my readers and have been open and transparent, so you get all of me, good and bad.  I’ve been humbled.  However, I made the decision to walk away from the people who create a disservice to me and my kids.  So, I will not let this situation consume me or fall victim to someone else’s guilty conscious.  For that, I am happy. 

To everyone else, I lost James 3.5 years ago.  To me, I lost him yesterday.  Grief isn’t anything I would wish on an enemy.    Before James went into hospice, we had a group meeting with his palliative team.   We sat in a room while the counselors talked to us and the kids.  They explained how the stages of grief will happen at different times for each of us.  I wrote about this before, but it wasn’t until now that I understood what that means.  The kids were busy making sure I was okay that they put their grief second to mine.  Now, they are slowly moving on with life and allowing themselves to do the things that make THEM happy.   I am very excited for them but also see the family dynamic shifting, all in a good way.  It’s tough watching each of them going through different stages in life all while navigating through the grief.  As much as it hurts to watch them move on as I remain at a standstill, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I relied on James and the kids to help me get through the toughest days of my life and it is about time I put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving.  Without James and slowly as the kids are becoming responsible adults, I need to take ownership of how my life turns out.  I am a work in progress.  Going forward, I won’t allow the emptiness in some people’s hearts take away what is filled in mine. Today, I am more broken yet happiest I’ve been in a long time.

A friend recently text me and said “certain times you need to be busy and other times you don’t.  But, knowing when to change lanes to make the most out of what time we have left is important”.  I felt that and this is exactly what I plan to do, MAKE THE MOST OUT OF THE TIME I HAVE LEFT!

I was a recent guest on a podcast talking about happiness. At first, I thought I wasn’t equipped to speak on such a topic. However, considering what I have been through, I am the perfect person to talk about how we should appreciate life and understand all the little things that makes us happy. Podcast details will be coming soon!

I end this post by telling you all how much I appreciate each of you that has continued to support me and love me unconditionally. You are the glue that is keeping me together. You know who you are! But I promise you, I am striving to do better daily.