James and I were together for half my life.  There was not a single day that didn’t include him in it.  Being a wife played a huge role in my identity.  Now I am a widow.  That pains me to say, this is actually the first time I called myself that.  I never referred to him as my late husband, he has and will always just be my husband.

So, how do I figure out who I am without my spouse?  Who am I now?  How do I transform and how do I prepare myself for what is next?   These are just a few of the questions that I have asked myself this past year. 

I remember a day last summer sitting in my backyard with my friend.  The weather was perfect, the music playing helped make the afternoon even better.  We enjoyed laughs with a drink in our hand when I realized that James and I will never share those types of moments anymore but yet I still was able to smile and have fun.  It was like a moment of clarity for me, one step closer to finding my new identity.  I just had to accept that I had to find that out alone and not rely on the help of others.  I remember that day clearly and it hurts me thinking about it just as much as it brings a smile to my face.

Although I am grateful for the overwhelming amount of support and comfort that comes along with losing someone, I am also ready to get to know who I am again.  Find that comfort and clarity I found that one summer day.  

I miss James so much and that will never end.  We shared a love like no other.  Wherever this next chapter takes me, I know James will be proud. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28