I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and self-reflection as of late and feel the need to share a few things with you all. It was two years ago today, on August 31st, that I found myself anxiously sitting in a waiting room for a nurse to call me and inform me that James was done with his colonoscopy and ready to leave the hospital. After what felt like a lifetime, they called me to go into the back to sit with him while he was waking up. They explained to me that everything had went well, but that they “did find a suspicious growth that they were sending for testing”. I immediately felt sick and broke down crying. My heart felt like it stopped beating temporarily and I was having trouble breathing as I felt the life had been sucked out of me. James, still under anesthesia, asks me “why are you crying, I am fine, baby”. The nurse was rubbing my back telling me to stay positive, but I knew deep inside that this wasn’t good and that my life would forever change. After a couple of weeks, the results confirmed the feeling that I had, and the tumor was already outside the colon wall.

Today, August 31, is a very bittersweet day for me. Yes, I am sad because it is a constant reminder of when my life was about to change, but it’s also a blessing because today I received some great news that I have been waiting for. I didn’t share this previously, but I went in for a routine mammogram this past July that should have been done in December. Yes, I know this is bad on my end, but as you all know I had other priorities. During my appointment I explained to the staff that I did feel a small lump, but was confident it was just scar tissue from a past surgery that I had the year before (in April 2019 I had made the decision to go ahead and have a breast reduction and now I guess the world knows…HAHA). The doctor’s office called me two days later and informed me that they did see something that was very small and wanted to get some additional images of the area. This can be common, so I wasn’t worried. They did say that I had the scar tissue, but that this was something else. So I anxiously went in for additional images that same day and before I left, the Doctor confirmed they did see something, but it was small and early so they wanted me to wait four to six months to monitor any changes.

After I met with my primary care physician on July 17th, she agreed for me to get a second opinion and referred me to a Specialist. I met with the Specialist on August 3rd, 2020 and she said I had nothing to worry about, but that she would consult with another Dr/Surgeon to see if they should look further. That next day I got a message saying that they have enough to move forward with a biopsy now. You can only imagine the first thing that went through my head was “I can’t put my kids through this again”. I was so scared and beat up inside. 2020 had already taken everything from me and now I had a feeling it was going to take me. During my first trip to the doctor’s office for a biopsy, I had gone through almost the whole thing when the machine just suddenly broke. Just my luck, right?! I couldn’t immediately test again once it had been fixed as I had to heal from the first attempt before scheduling another one. Two weeks later, on August 27th, I went in for the second attempt at this and it was successful. I spent the weekend with Family out of town and kept my mind occupied while I waited. Today, I got the call from my Doctor letting me know that it was benign, and that I didn’t need any follow up for 12 months.

I want to cry, scream, and smile all at the same time. I’m so truly happy and relieved for my children, but sad today too. This had been weighing heavy on me and I knew I couldn’t tell anyone; I didn’t want anyone to worry about the worst possibility. Now I’m glad I can share this amazing news with you all today! Thank you to the few of you who did know and were there for me when I needed you. Love you mucho! Xoxox