Like so many of my other previous posts, I started this as I sat with James over the weekend telling him all about what we’ve been up to and how my week has been. I usually feel compelled to share things and write when I’m the most vulnerable.

I haven’t brought myself to go through all his things just yet. I’m slowly taking on some home projects and finishing up what he always wanted to start, but never was able to do.

I miss him dearly and every day is a different battle that most people will never understand. I lost the only person who ever loved me unconditionally. Honestly after having such a traumatic childhood, I lived most of my adult life never feeling good enough and had a strong feeling inside that told me I was unlovable. My heart was always full of love, just never for myself. I felt damaged and lost, so much so that I disconnected my heart to anyone who ever tried to convince me otherwise. I became a people pleaser and put everyone’s feelings before my own. I recently found myself going back to old behavior where I am seeking outside validation or acceptance. It’s a horrible feeling to always feel something is wrong and most importantly feel that you are the reason things always go wrong. I am slowly working on letting go my fear of abandonment and wanting to be in a person’s life who doesn’t want me there. There is no longer anything to prove to anyone but myself.

James was the first and only person to make me feel like I was good enough and was worthy of being loved. He never judged me or questioned me, he just loved me. I know I’ve said it before, and like we approached most situations (with humor), I will never know what bet he lost to marry me but I’m happy he did. He made life worth living and gave me strength, security, children, family, and sense of self worth. My time with him is unforgettable and I wouldn’t have changed anything about it. He’s the best man I’ve ever known and he will always be in my heart. He made me feel like I was always enough.

Tomorrow is a new day!!