What a year 2020 has been, it’s been hit after hit. Never in a million years did I think I’d be celebrating my 15th wedding anniversary without my husband. Some things should never be questioned and I know that I just need to trust in God’s plan, but my heart is half empty and the smile I wear each day is not real. I miss him so much and just wish he was still here with me. I visit him at his burial site every Sunday and keep him updated on what’s going on in the kid’s lives and tell him how much I love and miss him.

Each day seems to be getting harder and harder and I have no idea where to go from here but James would want me to be strong and move forward with my life, but it’s extremely difficult right now. Grieving is a process and there’s no set time table or road map. Everyone deals with it differently and I’m still figuring out my path. It’s hard not to think about the flowers I would be receiving from him at work today or the laughs and intimate moments we would be sharing later this evening. I’m a total mess today, but you know what, that’s ok. I need to feel these emotions and deal with them. I know I have to be strong for my kids and that’s what’s keeping me somewhat together through this troubling time.

James, I just want you to know I love you and you will always be in heart. I spent the afternoon in Half Moon Bay before coming to the cemetery (where I am as I write this). Heading home to spend the evening with my babies for dinner!