What a crazy time we are all currently living in right now.  As many of you will recall, in my last post James was set to start Hospice.  So far we’ve had about seven visits from the home Hospice Care Nurse and it’s been a struggle for James to find the perfect medication “cocktail” to help provide him the comfort he needs.  

As each day passes, I see the struggle in his eyes growing stronger.  I can only imagine what is going on in his head and what he is truly feeling deep inside.  I know he’s put on a brave face for me and the kids, but watching someone you love in constant pain is by far the worst life experience I’ve ever faced, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  God knows how I’ve struggled with my own demons and how I would do anything to trade places with him to free him from all the pain and fear.

The feeling of helplessness gets worse as each day passes and I just want to hold him and make it all go away, but even a gentle touch sometimes is painful for him.  I want to sleep for him so he can feel rested and I want to walk to the kitchen for him so he doesn’t feel the struggle of breathing.  These are just a reminder of a few things that we have all taken for granted at some point in our lives. 

I’m truly starting to feel scared about losing the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally.  I can’t imagine my life without him and it’s going to leave a void so deep I don’t know if I can ever recover.  Hug your loved ones tight, pick up the phone and make that apology to someone you care about that you wronged, make time for ones you neglect because the last thing you want to feel is regret for not doing those things if something was ever to happen to them.  Thank you all for your love and support, I definitely need it now more than ever!