To all my loved ones and followers, I know that I have been silent for quite some time now.  I just couldn’t find the strength in myself to share what has been going on in our lives.  Over the past couple months, James has been experiencing a lot more tougher days, and I wish that I could say that the immunotherapy was still making him feel like an MVP, but in early January we received the heartbreaking news that it was no longer working.  His oncologist wanted to make a last ditch effort and try Chemo one more time.  He has spent up to 13 hours at a time in that chair receiving treatment over the past two months, but unfortunately it was unsuccessful and we have exhausted all lines of treatment. 

To be quite honest this post is just as difficult as the very first one I shared with everyone when he was first diagnosed in September 2018.  James will be starting hospice care this week, yet he still has so much life and fight in him.  Even during today’s visit with his Oncologist, they still managed to spend a good portion of time talking football.  Listening to them talk as if he didn’t just hear the words “let’s just focus on quality of life” still surprises me.  His strength and optimism in this time of darkness has somewhat lightened the pain in our hearts.

God knows how much I love this man of mine.  The only man who has ever loved me unconditionally.  The only man who has made me feel safe and worthy. I’m still in disbelief that I am facing losing him and it’s not easy.  I try to keep a brave face for him and our kids, but I know I’m just prolonging the inevitable. The truth is my life is going to change forever and I’m broken inside. I feel so guilty for thinking of myself sometimes, but I’ve been so strong for so long.  Now I just need some hugs and shoulders to cry on.

Our hearts ache for what is coming, but I know we will fight to the very end. 

My advice after this experience is to love your family and make sure to appreciate life.  Cancer does not discriminate and you never know what tomorrow will bring.  Hug your loved ones and always kiss them goodnight.  I know it sounds so cliche, but you will never understand the importance of those words until your life becomes a living example.