It was around 4:30 PM yesterday that I received another blow to my heart. I heard my husband walking up the stairs on the phone pacing around uneasy.  He walked into our bedroom and I heard him say “I am going to put you on speaker”.  In that moment I felt my chest tighten and each breath I took began to get heavier and heavier. All I remember hearing were the words “Your CEA level went up to 28”.  My heart sank because I knew what that meant.  Although we originally had an appointment scheduled for today, the doctor wanted to call us beforehand to give us a little bit of a heads up before going into the office.  I appreciated that more than he knew because the feeling of not knowing made every day that much harder to get through.  

I will know more about his situation after today’s appointment, but based on what he told us yesterday, they saw no improvement.  Any sentence that is followed with a “but” is never a good thing.   His Oncologist told us that the scan showed the area was stable, BUT that it was hard to read.  This just makes me nervous beyond belief because when he had his first scan, that was not clear either which is the reason why he had to have the exploratory surgery.  At this point I’m just a fucking mess!  I don’t know how to feel, I can’t eat, can’t sleep and my heart is in pain.  My brain is so scattered right now too and I can’t even remember the sentence before this one.  Bottom line is the chemo isn’t doing its job and we were told that they will be stopping the chemo and starting a new treatment called immunotherapy.  I don’t know much about it, but I am definitely ready for today’s appointment.  Thankfully I received so much feedback from my support group and they gave me some really great questions to ask during the appointment.  We continue this fight and are ready to try the new treatment. #FUCKCANCER.