As I’ve been posting lately, I’ve realized that my previous posts have not included up to date information on where we are at in this battle against Cancer.  James resumed chemo on June 24^th, 2019 after his exploratory surgery showed that his cancer had spread throughout his abdomen (includes ascites) and is now Stage IV.  His current regimen is Folfiri, which is the same treatment that has been used during his last four infusions the last time around.  During this time, we were able to see that his lymph nodes have continued to grow, and he has another scan scheduled for August 14^th, 2019.  If his Oncologist sees additional growth, he will unfortunately be taken off the chemotherapy and the next option is for him to immediately start Immunotherapy.  For those that aren’t sure what that is, it is a form of treatment that uses certain parts of a person’s immune system to fight cancer.  We are praying daily that this will help him, and the honest truth is that we NEED this to work because if it doesn’t, our only other option would be to find a clinical trial that James would be able to qualify for.  Throughout this whole process his Oncologist has been amazing.  I see a bond that James and him have created, always talking football at EVERY appointment.  It is difficult to see him look so good and with a smile on his face, but in the back of my head I know he’s suffering on the inside. 

The treatment that James is currently receiving has really taken a huge toll on his body this time around.  It has honestly been the most difficult thing for me to just watch; seeing someone you love hurting and there is absolutely nothing you can physically do to take their pain away or give them a cure.  I’ve made 95% of every appointment, and that includes even a visit to the pharmacy to pick up prescriptions.  Even with that I still don’t feel as if I’m doing enough.  There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wish it was me sitting in that chair connected to the IV instead of him.  At this time in my life I thought I would be planning to grow old with this man and not planning for the worst case scenario. I’m scared and feel so alone at times. I can’t always keep it together, but I can’t let him see me weak.  I know it will crush him and I need him to be strong and fight.  Being connected to a Medical Social worker for “palliative care” has been a blessing and we’ve been given access to many resources that have made things a little easier.  Kaiser has definitely been providing us with top care and I don’t know where we’d be if we went anywhere else. 

Right now, I’m doing my best to live each day in the moment and not think of the next day, or the day after or even a few months ahead.  I know our time is precious and I want to cherish every moment. Every kiss, every hug, every I love you, and every look into each other’s eyes means that much more because nothing is promised.  I made a commitment to James that I would make the rest of his life his best life.  The first thing on his bucket list is to see the Northern Lights and that is exactly what he is going to do.  I can’t wait to share that moment with him.  There will be plenty of tears shared, but the tears are worth the lasting memory that I will forever hold close to my heart.  I love this man beyond words and I will continue to write our story about the battle, adventures and special moments our lives have in store for us.