James has been in this battle for the past 11 months and we thought we had claimed victory on April 24^th 2019.  My husband went into what he thought would be his last day of Chemotherapy and although we were being as positive as possible, we knew that there was a high chance of recurrence.  Up to this point he had 15 cycles of chemo.  As with every situation, there were some good and bad days during those 15 cycles.  There had been quite a few consecutive down days for him, but being the warrior that he is, he battled through it.  

Though he was hurting on the inside, the most common thing he would hear from people when they would see him outside of the house is “OMG, you look so good”.  God knows I wished that was the case for him. I had a front row seat watching him on the bad days.  Not many have seen this side of his disease and it’s not an easy thing to watch.  I felt so helpless and didn’t know how to comfort him when all he wanted was to be left alone.  Think of seeing someone you love more than life itself suffering and you can’t hold them in your arms or kiss them to make them feel better because they won’t let you.  

I was crying inside because I felt so guilty for not being able to figure out how to provide the comfort he needed in the way he wanted.  Words can’t describe the level of defeat that I felt.  He doesn’t know this, but I am not as strong as he thinks I’ve been throughout this whole journey.  I’ve had my fair share of breakdowns in the car on the way to run errands and/or work.  I’ve curled up in a ball and just laid in the tub wishing it was me with the cancer instead of him.  That’s how much I love this man.

All feelings aside,  on April 24^th I knew he had a long road ahead of him, but I wanted to enjoy THIS day and this little victory.  It represented the glimmer of hope we were looking for.  More so, the completion of the first phase of the battle and the last stretch was in view.  On the last day of his chemo treatment our whole family pulled together and showed up to the hospital to provide their love and support for James.  Being surrounded by his children was an amazing feeling for him and I know how much it meant to him to have us all there.  As a matter of fact, his older brother Jose, made a four and half hour drive that morning from Reno just to be there for him.  

The amount of support James has gotten in the darkest moments of his life has been insurmountable.  I would honestly be lying if I said that it wasn’t hard, but those who have been next to James during this time know his vibrant smile makes it all worth it.  I’ve always claimed to be the glue that holds our family together and also thought of myself as the strongest person I knew.  Well my friends, reality smacked me right across the face with this situation and it made me realize that I am not the hero nor am I as strong as I thought I was.  In fact it showed that James was the one that deserved that title as he has been the hero this whole time.   

A few weeks after James’s last chemo treatment, he had his post chemo PET scan.  The results came back inconclusive as they showed an object, but not enough detail was present to tell exactly what the object was.  On June 17^th, 2019 James had exploratory surgery for the doctor to take a look inside and I’m sad to say that they were not expecting to see what they did.  The doctor broke the news to us that the cancer had spread throughout his abdomen and that confirmed that he had Malignant Ascites.  Malignant Ascites is just a fancy word for fluid cancer in the abdomen.  Then on June 28^th, 2019 during a drive to Reno, we received another call from his doctor stating that he would be starting chemotherapy again that following Monday.  The next hour of the drive was quiet with inner cries. All James wanted to do at that point was make it to Lake Tahoe to enjoy time with me and his kids.  That’s exactly what we did, we all had lunch by the dock and not a single mention of cancer was brought up while we shared a meal. We just enjoyed the moment and had precious laughs and conversations.  

TO BE CONTINUED………