Do you still miss him? Are the kids doing okay? Do you see yourself ever dating again? Are you still grieving? What are your plans? Those are all questions that have been asked multiple times by multiple people. It seems that these are the questions that people want to know. The answer is, I don’t have an answer. Every day is different. Right now I just want to focus on me and my mental health.

As I write this, it’s been 1 year, 4 months, 18 days since I lost my husband. During the time James was going through immunotherapy, he was feeling his best and we thought it was a good time for me to go back to work after being home with him for about a year after diagnosis. I started my new job in early December 2019. Everything was going great, then his health started to decline. I found myself being a caregiver to my mom, juggling a new job and time with my husband, dealing with the start of a pandemic, and all the other family issues that come along with what we were going through. You can imagine the stress that came along with all of that. I was about three and a half months in to my new job when James went into hospice. I didn’t go with him to his last appointment to see his Oncologist, our oldest daughter went with him that day. At the time we didn’t know that would be his last appointment. Had I known the Doctor was going to say “we will just focus on keeping you comfortable” then I would have made an effort to go to this appointment. James called me as he was walking back to the car. Imagine, me at a new job and trying my best to keep my shit together. I didn’t want to be judged by anyone at work, but knowing now what I wish I knew then was I would end up being judged anyways. James passed just a few weeks later. Quarantine had started and it was a scary time for everyone. After my bereavement time was over, I was working from home, like most people. I was at home every day looking at the same spot where my husband passed. I was still training at the time and I just couldn’t retain the information. Those who have worked with me in the past know this isn’t me. But it was clear I had to sink or swim. I sank!! I sank and almost drowned until I got the okay to return to the office on August 5, 2020. By that time, too much damage was done. It is something I need to accept. My fear of failure was actually my reality. I failed!! I failed at keeping my shit together. No one will ever understand unless you been through it but a colleague told me that I need to get it together after I was explaining my struggles. “a life is a life, people lose loved ones everyday”, that was the response I got when I explained losing a spouse is life changing. I went home that day and cried myself to sleep but this person was right I guess, why should I get a pass, what made me special? It didn’t matter that watching him suffer daily and slowly die from this horrible disease was traumatic for me and my children. I was no different from a person who lost a friend, a mother, a cousin, a neighbor, a grandparent, or even co-worker.

I invested my time with people who I thought cared. I was in survival mode and wanted to make everyone happy in fear of failure. My self-worth was at the mercy of others. I contemplated leaving my company so many times because I associated it with an ugly time in my life. I lost my husband, I made poor decisions, I was numbing the pain with alcohol, and wasn’t who I used to pride myself to be. It was a daily struggle. Then a bitter sweet blessing happened a few weeks ago when I was told that my entire team was being laid off later this year. The silver lining is I will have the opportunity to fix what was broken. I can spend time with my kids and allow them to be kids again. They all stepped up when I couldn’t and I will be forever grateful. I am excited to close this chapter and ready for the next. It hasn’t been written yet but I am planning on making it the start of many joyful moments. Work on me! By working on myself, I will be a better mom, daughter, friend, and employee to the next company who gets the pleasure of having me on their team.

Thank you to those who never gave up on me when I was at my worst. I write this to you! By sharing this with you all, I hold myself accountable. I can’t wait to meet the girl that I know is in me. Although losing a job has a whole new set of obstacles, I know I will land on my feet, I always do. The day we were notified, I had a 1:1 with my boss and I walked in the conference room and he asked me “why are you smiling”…. I knew at that moment that I had so many things to look forward to. It is funny how life works. I didn’t need to make the decision, it was made for me because god knew I couldn’t make it alone.

My company is great and I enjoyed my time here and the people I crossed paths with but I am READY to leave that all behind and start my next adventure and work on ME! Let’s go!

I wrote this letter to James and read it during his memorial service earlier this year (April 2021). It was the hardest thing I had to write and I wanted to keep it to myself but if I read it to all those who joined his service then I can share it with all my readers. After all, I started this blog to share my story. That means to be vulnerable and also be transparent. Here is my final love letter to my beloved husband.

To my forever love,

We had our first real date in 2001. I remember it like it was yesterday. You were wearing a mustard color button up and smelled like you just walked out of a GQ magazine. Over 20 years later, I still have that exact shirt. I remember putting it on when I finally had the courage to go through your side of the closet. I knew that day of our first date that you would one day be my husband.

I tried to write this letter so many times. There are just so many things I want to tell you. I miss how every day you would text or call me to let me know you made it to work okay. Even on the days we drove together and I dropped you off myself. You thought it would make me laugh and it did. You had a smile that lit up any room. I would joke all the time saying I didn’t know what bet you lost when you decided to spend your life with me. The truth is, I still question how I was able to get you to marry me. It could have been my awesome dance moves, or maybe because you needed a little bit of crazy in your life. Either way, we had a way to balance each other out and I lived for it.

There is not a single day that has gone by that I have not thought about you. I wake up each morning finding distractions to help me get through the day. I know I was not an easy person to love, especially when I didn’t know how to love myself but somehow that changed. You gave me everything I needed and taught me how to love. I used to think I was the strongest one between the two of us and boy was I wrong. You were a man of faith and you reminded me daily what a wonderful life we had

I miss my early morning weekend texts telling me to come downstairs and meet you in the backyard. I already knew what I was going to find, you sitting there waiting for me with a cup of coffee in your hand. You made my coffee every weekend without fail. I still can’t manage to make my own cup of coffee, It just doesn’t taste the same. We would sit outside, drink our coffee, and just enjoy each other’s company before the kids wake up. Sometimes we would sneak off and have breakfast without them and then come home pretending like that we just went to run an errand. Most of the time they could see the guilty look on our face.

Thank you for loving me the way you did. It is the type of love that some people only read about or see in movies. The type of love that could never be replicated. The type of love that can take your breath away. I remember how sometimes you would catch me looking at you as if it was the first time we met. That kind of love is rare and that is what we had.

We often talked about growing old together and how you would take care of me in my old age. Now I am left for our children to take care of me and we both know we don’t trust them like that. I am counting down the days to be with you again. To see your smile is what I look forward to the most.

I can talk about how things were after you became ill but I refuse to give that ugly disease any attention today. Today we celebrate you and how you made an impact on so many lives. It is evident by the amount of love that has been displayed this past year. You are deeply missed by so many. Please continue to watch over us, and look after our kids, walk besides them daily.

I want to thank your mom for loving me and being the best mother in law a person can ask for. Don’t worry babe, I am doing my best to take care of her as much as she takes care of me. She is ultimately the reason you were the man you were.

I love you forever and ever!

Hug hug, kiss kiss, hug hug, big kiss, little hug, kiss kiss, little kiss.

Your Wife,

Bambi

As we head into the end of May and it being mental health awareness month, I felt inspired to write this post. It is no secret that I’ve struggled with depression and have had my fair share of anxiety. I have been very open about what I considered a traumatic childhood. I’d like to just share some thoughts and feelings about a moment I had this past week during a doctor’s visit.

A couple days ago I was scheduled for a colonoscopy and an endoscopy. I wasn’t prepared to walk in the building and room where James was sitting when they told us they found a “suspicious growth”. I wrote about that moment very early on when I started this blog. As I walked in and looked right at that area his bed was, I immediately started to cry. The nurses right away thought I was in pain of some sort. I told them it was just emotional for me to be there.

They took me in a different room, but it didn’t stop the tears flooding down my face. I found my way to the restroom where I locked myself in there for a few minutes to cry and call my brother in law, the man James looked up to so much. He had his fair share of listening to me cry with no words exchanged. Just my luck too that the same GI Doctor that James had was now doing that same procedure on me. Talk about an emotional rollercoaster that I wasn’t prepared for.

All I kept thinking about was the last time I was there and how it didn’t go well and now here I am. I couldn’t help but wonder what James was thinking while he was sitting there in that room. Was he scared, angry, nervous, anxious, or maybe all of it. I briefly put myself in his shoes and couldn’t imagine what he was thinking.

Going back to the beginning of this post and discussing depression, well here I am now struggling with being alone and being without my best friend for the rest of my life. I never thought that one day I would want to go back to the depression that I had before losing James because now, oddly enough, I would give anything to feel that pain again. Why you ask? Well nothing compares to the pain I woke up to feeling this morning. Feeling alone is painful and my heart aches everyday as I miss him so incredibly much.

I can count on my hand the amount of people that have genuinely been there for me. This doesn’t include the Ibarra family, they have all been there for me and unfortunately more than my own family. I sometimes feel I mattered more when James was by my side than I do without him. I learned that my kids and I are a team and all that matters now is that we have each other. For those who know my kids, they are not very touchy feely and rarely talk about feelings. They tuck them away and leave them there.

However, my Andrea told me this past weekend that we only have each other and I hated to hear that, but she was right. The best part of when she said that was she told us to put our hands in together in the middle like a team does and with tears in my eyes, Arianna and I did what she asked and the three of us did our hand-stack. Alex wasn’t with us but I know he would have done it with us with a smile on his face. I’m grateful James gave me this family and as much as I want to quit and succumb to old habits and patterns, I know I have a bigger purpose.

James and I were together for half my life.  There was not a single day that didn’t include him in it.  Being a wife played a huge role in my identity.  Now I am a widow.  That pains me to say, this is actually the first time I called myself that.  I never referred to him as my late husband, he has and will always just be my husband.

So, how do I figure out who I am without my spouse?  Who am I now?  How do I transform and how do I prepare myself for what is next?   These are just a few of the questions that I have asked myself this past year. 

I remember a day last summer sitting in my backyard with my friend.  The weather was perfect, the music playing helped make the afternoon even better.  We enjoyed laughs with a drink in our hand when I realized that James and I will never share those types of moments anymore but yet I still was able to smile and have fun.  It was like a moment of clarity for me, one step closer to finding my new identity.  I just had to accept that I had to find that out alone and not rely on the help of others.  I remember that day clearly and it hurts me thinking about it just as much as it brings a smile to my face.

Although I am grateful for the overwhelming amount of support and comfort that comes along with losing someone, I am also ready to get to know who I am again.  Find that comfort and clarity I found that one summer day.  

I miss James so much and that will never end.  We shared a love like no other.  Wherever this next chapter takes me, I know James will be proud. 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. – Romans 8:28

As some of you may remember, before James’s passing, one of his last wishes was to see the northern lights. We were able to see the lights during our trip to Alaska back in October of 2019 with our compadres, however the lights were extremely faint.

We decided to try again and this time we took all the kids with us. That trip was in February 2020. Unfortunately, after several late nights, we didn’t get a glimpse. Me being the determined wife that I am, I told him that I was going to book another trip as soon as possible to fulfill his wish. He told me that it would be too much for him physically as he was too tired to make another trip and instead asked me and the kids to chase the lights for him. At that time, I decided that Alaska would be a place we can go to visit as a family to keep his memory alive and to also ensure that we fulfilled our promise to him.

I decided that we were going to go back and try to see the lights again on the same dates as last year with the same AirBnB and the same exact itinerary to do his favorite things. The night before we were scheduled to leave, I got an alert that our flight was cancelled due to inclement weather. I was devastated. Now anyone who knows me knows that I never give up when I am determined to do something. So I booked us on an earlier flight. An hour later, that flight was also cancelled. After exhausting every option available, I was able to find a flight leaving out of San Francisco but that meant we had to move quickly. Keep in mind that this was my last ditch effort to get us on a plane. Before I knew it, all six of us were sitting on the plane waiting for take off. I was so excited and had a good feeling that we were going to be able to see the aurora borealis this time around.

Days 1-3 were mostly us getting settled in and acclimating to the climate and site seeing a few things. It was now Day 4 and we had no luck with the lights. This made me feel so sad and discouraged. On our 5th and final day there the weather had given us a low probability to see the lights and I almost gave up. We then found ourselves with a couple hours to spare before heading to the airport to catch a red eye flight, so we decided to go to a popular spot called Creamer’s field and wait it out there in hopes that we would get a glimpse of something before it was time to go.

While sitting in the car to keep warm, as it was -24 degrees outside, I looked over and saw people outside their car taking pictures. Me being pessimistic, I shouted out loud, “I don’t think those are the lights, that might be fog”. But the pessimism turned into pure joy as we all began to shout out loudly “the lights are coming through”. We immediately jumped out of the car and started to take pictures. Sure enough it was the northern lights and it brought me to tears. I wanted to share this moment with our compadres (his best friends) since they joined us for our trip back in 2019. I facetimed them as Arianna facetimed my mother-in-law. They were all so happy for us!!

We did it, we kept our promise and chased the lights for my beloved husband. It was an unforgettable moment to be surrounded by our kids and granddaughter. I like to think James had something to do with this as what are the odds that the lights would appear one hour before us having to leave to the airport to catch our flight. The only thing missing was our oldest son, Jacob. He wasnt able to make the trip with us, but we will be back again next year, the same dates of course, and he will be with us to share the moment.

These past 10 months without James have made me learn so many new things about myself. It’s crazy to say this, but I am still finding new ways to fall in love with him again.

It fills my heart to know that everyone reading this will also share and partake in this joy. We got to experience something amazing and it made me appreciate the earth’s beauty. Thank you James for still making our lives special!!

“I met James over 13 years ago when he came to work at our company. What started out as a professional relationship turned into a friendship that I’ve missed every day since he left us.

I realized, while writing this, how difficult it is to pick a single memory and to pick just one, would not do all the other ones justice. From the Tuna Melts at the SC Wharf, after the Girls had finished a race, to our Ramen and Mongo excursions, the “napkin” tricks and the 60 “yacko” nights after our Holiday Parties. Those unexpected texts with some hilarious memes that would cause us to laugh out loud.. Talking sports, Star Wars, 3 Stooges, UltraMan, Godzilla, Tattoos, anything and everything under the sun… All the little things that add up to great memories. I miss all that, but most of all, I miss my Friend, my Brother, James”.

Ride Easy Jefe, hasta siempre, James.

“To all my friends, present, past and beyond
To all those who weren’t with us too long
Life is the most precious thing you can lose
While you were here the fun was never ending
Laugh a minute was only the beginning
James Anthony Ibarra, my brother, this one’s for you”

Pennywise- Bro Hymn

Marco, I couldn’t help but cry reading this. It took me a while to bring myself to post it. All the memories you talked about are things I remember all too well. Every dinner date that James and I had would always include him pulling out his phone and taking a picture of his food. And every time I would say “let me guess, you are sending that to Marco and Derrick”. His response was always “Marco is going to reply with that looks phenomenal”. The amount of support and comfort you and Julie have displayed during the past 2 years has been so wonderful. My family appreciates you more than you know. Love you!!! – Bambi

“One of the many cherished memories of time spent with Mi Hermanito was the day Mom and I joined him for what I believe ended up being his last chemo session. I remember it as if it were yesterday. At the end of what turned out to be one of his longest chemo days, mom and I hugged him and said “We will be here to join you for your next scheduled session.” We had such a fun day; we reminisced on so many good memories, we laughed so much, we snacked throughout the day, (I made sure I brought some goodies and Cristal brought us lunch) We sang along with this gentleman who made his way around the room playing guitar for all to enjoy; well, it was mom and I who sang while my brother, clowning around, teased and laughed at us. He was the first patient there and the last to leave that evening. I admire his strength and his faith, fighting to the end. #JamesStrong that’s who he was.💙

That day, however long, didn’t seem that long for we were filled with great joy; we were where we were supposed to be, supporting mi hermanito, cheering him up, keeping him company. I think back on that day often and although I tear up it makes my heart happy. Even though we were there for my brother, seems he was there for us. He has always been so much fun and brought great cheer to whomever was around, and for those memories I am so very grateful.

Oh how I wish I could have that time again. Oh, how I wish.

Miss him so”. – Rosie Renteria

I remember this day clearly. We didn’t know it at the time but this was his last cycle. Shortly after this day they made the decision to stop treatment. I remember getting him home and all he talked about was how much fun he had with you both. He had a laugh like no other. Thank you for being there with him.

Reality has finally sunken in that this will be our first Christmas without our beloved James. Under normal circumstances I would totally be planning our Christmas morning breakfast menu and wrapping gifts all week leading up to Christmas, but not this year. It will definitely be different to say the least.

Some of you may already know that James was a huge Adam Sandler fan and we watched all his movies together. While Adam Sandler is amazing, James’s all time favorite movie was The Nightmare Before Christmas. This movie first came out in 1994. James and I were just friends at the time and I was living in Chicago. As soon as the movie came out on VHS, I bought it for him. He kept it this entire time and we still have the tape.

This Christmas we will be having our usual Christmas morning breakfast and plan to stay safe and be home alone with just us. The rest of the day will consist of a movie marathon that will start with The Nightmare Before Christmas and will continue with all his other favorite movies that we loved to watch together as a family. My kids also have a special dinner planned that they will be cooking all by themselves. I couldn’t ask for a better day.

I welcome all the prayers for our family during this emotionally draining time. The outpour of love that we still receive is just amazing. I just want everyone to know we are okay. It will definitely be hard and I can guarantee there will be some tears shed, but I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. Don’t forget to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you.

P.S.- I couldn’t bring myself to send Christmas cards this year. I’m so sorry to all the friends and family that loved our cards. It just wasn’t something we were ready to do as a family yet.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and self-reflection as of late and feel the need to share a few things with you all. It was two years ago today, on August 31st, that I found myself anxiously sitting in a waiting room for a nurse to call me and inform me that James was done with his colonoscopy and ready to leave the hospital. After what felt like a lifetime, they called me to go into the back to sit with him while he was waking up. They explained to me that everything had went well, but that they “did find a suspicious growth that they were sending for testing”. I immediately felt sick and broke down crying. My heart felt like it stopped beating temporarily and I was having trouble breathing as I felt the life had been sucked out of me. James, still under anesthesia, asks me “why are you crying, I am fine, baby”. The nurse was rubbing my back telling me to stay positive, but I knew deep inside that this wasn’t good and that my life would forever change. After a couple of weeks, the results confirmed the feeling that I had, and the tumor was already outside the colon wall.

Today, August 31, is a very bittersweet day for me. Yes, I am sad because it is a constant reminder of when my life was about to change, but it’s also a blessing because today I received some great news that I have been waiting for. I didn’t share this previously, but I went in for a routine mammogram this past July that should have been done in December. Yes, I know this is bad on my end, but as you all know I had other priorities. During my appointment I explained to the staff that I did feel a small lump, but was confident it was just scar tissue from a past surgery that I had the year before (in April 2019 I had made the decision to go ahead and have a breast reduction and now I guess the world knows…HAHA). The doctor’s office called me two days later and informed me that they did see something that was very small and wanted to get some additional images of the area. This can be common, so I wasn’t worried. They did say that I had the scar tissue, but that this was something else. So I anxiously went in for additional images that same day and before I left, the Doctor confirmed they did see something, but it was small and early so they wanted me to wait four to six months to monitor any changes.

After I met with my primary care physician on July 17th, she agreed for me to get a second opinion and referred me to a Specialist. I met with the Specialist on August 3rd, 2020 and she said I had nothing to worry about, but that she would consult with another Dr/Surgeon to see if they should look further. That next day I got a message saying that they have enough to move forward with a biopsy now. You can only imagine the first thing that went through my head was “I can’t put my kids through this again”. I was so scared and beat up inside. 2020 had already taken everything from me and now I had a feeling it was going to take me. During my first trip to the doctor’s office for a biopsy, I had gone through almost the whole thing when the machine just suddenly broke. Just my luck, right?! I couldn’t immediately test again once it had been fixed as I had to heal from the first attempt before scheduling another one. Two weeks later, on August 27th, I went in for the second attempt at this and it was successful. I spent the weekend with Family out of town and kept my mind occupied while I waited. Today, I got the call from my Doctor letting me know that it was benign, and that I didn’t need any follow up for 12 months.

I want to cry, scream, and smile all at the same time. I’m so truly happy and relieved for my children, but sad today too. This had been weighing heavy on me and I knew I couldn’t tell anyone; I didn’t want anyone to worry about the worst possibility. Now I’m glad I can share this amazing news with you all today! Thank you to the few of you who did know and were there for me when I needed you. Love you mucho! Xoxox