To all my loved ones and followers, I know that I have been silent for quite some time now.  I just couldn’t find the strength in myself to share what has been going on in our lives.  Over the past couple months, James has been experiencing a lot more tougher days, and I wish that I could say that the immunotherapy was still making him feel like an MVP, but in early January we received the heartbreaking news that it was no longer working.  His oncologist wanted to make a last ditch effort and try Chemo one more time.  He has spent up to 13 hours at a time in that chair receiving treatment over the past two months, but unfortunately it was unsuccessful and we have exhausted all lines of treatment. 

To be quite honest this post is just as difficult as the very first one I shared with everyone when he was first diagnosed in September 2018.  James will be starting hospice care this week, yet he still has so much life and fight in him.  Even during today’s visit with his Oncologist, they still managed to spend a good portion of time talking football.  Listening to them talk as if he didn’t just hear the words “let’s just focus on quality of life” still surprises me.  His strength and optimism in this time of darkness has somewhat lightened the pain in our hearts.

God knows how much I love this man of mine.  The only man who has ever loved me unconditionally.  The only man who has made me feel safe and worthy. I’m still in disbelief that I am facing losing him and it’s not easy.  I try to keep a brave face for him and our kids, but I know I’m just prolonging the inevitable. The truth is my life is going to change forever and I’m broken inside. I feel so guilty for thinking of myself sometimes, but I’ve been so strong for so long.  Now I just need some hugs and shoulders to cry on.

Our hearts ache for what is coming, but I know we will fight to the very end. 

My advice after this experience is to love your family and make sure to appreciate life.  Cancer does not discriminate and you never know what tomorrow will bring.  Hug your loved ones and always kiss them goodnight.  I know it sounds so cliche, but you will never understand the importance of those words until your life becomes a living example.

Over the last year and a half it has been my sole mission to make as many memories as possible for James.  Throughout the process it hit me that making memories isn’t just for him, but for everyone that is a part of his life.  Several weeks ago we made a much needed trip to Lake Tahoe.  Of course we had our doubts about whether we should be going or not due to everything James had going on (I will save all those details for another post because that requires more attention and I’m just not ready for that right now.). 

We had a gorgeous cabin for the weekend and were blessed to share it with our cousin and his family from New Mexico as they decided to fly over to join us.   James was beyond excited to be sharing this time with them because our cousin had been very involved throughout his entire treatment process, even more so than a few that live within a 20 mile radius to us.  Daniel knew what to expect from the trip and wasn’t worried about whether or not we did anything extravagant or adventurous, he just genuinely wanted to spend some quality time together with James and share laughs that will last a lifetime. 


While we were driving up to Tahoe, another cousin and her husband reached out to me to check in.  During our conversation we told them to join us on the trip and to my surprise and without hesitation, they packed their bags and headed to the airport to pick up a rental car and made the drive in the late hours of the night. We were overwhelmed with the love and support that we have been blessed with in our lives.

I am constantly trying to orchestrate memories for James, but I know everyone wants to create their own with him as well.  Our weekend consisted of sitting around the fire, eating, laughing and me catering to James and his every need.  The amount of love was unmeasurable and I would like to send a big THANK YOU to Daniel, Alicia, Penni, George, and Maddi for helping me make the weekend one to remember.    Unfortunately, after our great weekend, James was admitted to the hospital after a visit to the ER.  They found a blood clot in his left leg that they are now treating and he had also tested positive for RSV.  This actually gave me comfort because we knew what was making his breathing a little harder. Again, more on this in my next post.

Ok……. Back to the positive now!!! The weekend was amazing to say the least.  He was surrounded by family we don’t often get to see and sharing this time with them and our kids was amazing.  It was hard to say goodbye, but we will cherish this memory forever.

Here is James living his best life!!!!!

As things have kind of settled down for the time being, I find myself sitting here thinking of all the ways that I can live up to my promise and make the rest of James’s life, the best of life, and more importantly how can I make him happy.  After brainstorming and having conversations with myself, it just hit me; James is already happy.  He has so many beautiful people fighting this ugly disease with him.  Just our small circle at home is enough to make him feel empowered so you can only imagine the strength he feels knowing that all of you are by his side.

As many of you may know I work full-time, I’m a mother, and have also been a caretaker.  If you look up the definition of caretaker it states that this type of individual is “a family member or paid helper who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly, or disabled person.”  I take great pride in knowing that I am doing everything in my power to take care of James.   This means digging down and finding that strength and energy to be the best caretaker I can be and giving him everything he wants, even down to the Xbox he got for Christmas.  I’m totally that annoying wife that likes to bug him or make fun while he plays, but somehow watching him play a video game doesn’t make me laugh the way that it used to anymore. Maybe it’s just become routine or maybe it’s because reality is starting to set in and I know these moments are borrowed time and won’t last forever.

I became extremely emotional in that moment and decided to open up my laptop to start writing about what I was feeling.  After typing some things out, this is what poured out of my heart…If I look back at the past 20 years, James has always been MY caretaker.   I never gave him enough credit for having to deal with me.  God knows I’m not the easiest person to love, but James loves me every day.  Whether it’s getting me gas in the morning before work while I get ready, or sending me flowers at work, or even just massaging my feet on the couch each night, he always did it without hesitation.  He’s the only man in my life that I never questioned or doubted their love for me.  The next time someone asks me if I’m his caretaker, I will say “No,  No I’m not.  I’m his partner and his battle is my battle.”  I can never take care of him the way he has taken care of me and our family, but that will not stop me from trying.

Tears are falling down my face as I write this because I’m thankful for him and am overwhelmed with so much emotion.  He’s my lobster (only a select few will know where that’s from) and out of all the love stories that have been written, ours is my favorite.  I love you James and thank you for loving me and more importantly, teaching me to love myself again.

This past weekend we spent up in San Francisco attending my husband’s Holiday party for work.  As always, we prepared by picking out his suit for the night as well as me making sure I had everything that we need to ensure that it was going to be a memorable occasion.  This also meant I got a chance to get myself dolled up and look fabulous. I made appointments to get my nails and make-up done.  I do clean-up pretty darn well if I do say so myself haha.  Apologies for the jokes, it’s just this is our ONE night a year where we get to be young adults and live young, wild, and free.  Our night usually ends with a trip to Jack in the box at 1:00 AM with his colleagues, spouses, and the President of his company.  Definitely good times!  

James has been with his company for 11+ years and they have been extremely good to us.  We knew this weekend’s party would be different.  We knew it would be his final one with them.  It was an emotional weekend to say the least. So much joy and laughter, but also so much heartache for having to say goodbye.  Most not even realizing it was his last party with them. James always said he was ready to work full time when he felt better and his cancer stabilized, but he had a lot to think about over these past several months and came to conclusion that this was going to be what’s best for him and the family at this moment.  Now that the decision has been made, he needs find a date that works for him and his company. Then I can plan him a “retirement” party!

During his efforts to get back into the swing of things and get on a consistent schedule, James has been taking our granddaughter to school and picking her up.  That’s something he didn’t get to do often do with our own kids.  It’s apparent from the pics he sends me of them holding hands and hearing his voice telling me about their mornings that I know this means the world to him.  With that said, when I decided that I wanted the rest of his life be the best of his life, I meant that.  Instead of spending his good days at a job, he is now considering staying home fulltime.  The kids and I want him to do everything he’s always wanted to and even dreamed about.  Whether it’s picking up a hobby, learning to cook, or even how to salsa dance, it doesn’t matter as long as he is happy doing it.  

I want James to make footprints on people’s lives, to those who have been there for us and those who love us.  I know Bella will always remember Papa taking her to school, taking her to the dollar store or for a special treat.  The same goes for our kids as well as for myself.  His new job will be making these footprints in the lives of those who allow him to do so.  He has such a beautiful soul and I want others to see and feel how great of man he truly is.  My love for him is everlasting and there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t look at him and think to myself “Damn, I’m one lucky woman”. 

I know it’s been a while since my last post, but I’ve been taking some time to reflect and process a couple of things that I’ve been dealing with over the last few weeks. Let’s start off by rewinding back to our trip to Alaska.  We had a blast and amazing memories were made that I will forever cherish.  While the trip was breathtaking and more than I could’ve ever hoped for, I had noticed that in a few pictures that my left eye was drooping pretty heavily.  I remember the morning after I frantically ran to the bathroom to check my eye and everything looked and felt normal.  

Now keep in mind that if I back up to late last year, I started to experience some fatigue and weakness when I would be doing the simplest of tasks.  After 3 blood tests over the past 6 months, my physician did see that I had some inflammation, but since it was just a general test, she could not pinpoint the location.  Since then I have been going to acupuncture and have shown little to no improvement in the past 4 months.  After the year we’ve had, James and I were confident that it was stress that was triggering my symptoms.  Understandably, I accepted this and made every effort possible to control my daily stress at home.  After the progression of my husband’s cancer has slowed down, it was easy for me to eliminate a large source of my stress that I carried with me for months.   

During my most recent checkup, we went over everything going on and my physician decided to send me for additional blood work.  It was just as I started packing for my trip to Texas to spend Thanksgiving that I received a call from my Dr. to give me a heads-up so that I wouldn’t be blindsided before the neurologist was going to give me a call.  Turns out they discovered that I had something called Myesthenia Gravis.  MG is a “chronic autoimmune neuromuscular disease that causes weakness in the skeletal muscles, which are responsible for breathing and moving parts of the body, including the arms and legs”.  This would explain the pain I was experiencing.  It can also effect the diaphragm and can impact breathing and/or swallowing.  

I was lucky enough to be able to talk to the neuro dept that day and I immediately made an appointment to get a CT scan.  The CT scan will be a huge determining factor for what my treatment plan will look like.  When we returned from Texas on 11/30 I had my CT scan but I had an allergic reaction to the contrast.  I ended up in the ER and thought to myself “what a way to end my wonderful Thanksgiving”.  After getting home I slept about 14 hours and that was pretty much the best part about this reaction.   

After doing a little research I discovered that removing my thymus or going through infusion treatment are two possible options for treatment, but also learned that there is no cure. I’ve accepted this and understand that I will most likely be on medication for most, if not, the rest of my life.  Caregiving for James over the last few months and watching him go through his cancer journey, has definitely humbled me so I will not let this news discourage me.  We have so much to be thankful for and even much more to live for.  There isn’t a hardship in the world that our family can’t face, and I will overcome this. 

At this point I don’t know much about this disease and am open to anyone whom can provide advice.  I never even knew our bodies had a Thymus gland.  Other than fatigue and a droopy eye, I would’ve never even known. I’m taking things day by day and am praying for my successful battle and for the well-being of my family.  Thank you again to all of you that have been there for us and have supported us throughout this journey.  Your love and support mean everything to us!   

***Since the day I started to write this post, I discovered that someone who is dear to me suffers from the same diagnosis. Thank you for answering all my questions and sharing your story with me, Julie!

Yesterday we received some news that we have been waiting for what feels like an eternity to hear.  

To be completely honest, we haven’t received any good news since September 6^th 2018, the day of diagnosis.  As each appointment passed, the news continued to get worse and worse and it felt like each time we were hit with a Mack truck.  I can never forget the day we attended the appointment where we were informed that his cancer had spread throughout his body and that the chemo was no longer working. In that moment I felt my heart shatter and had the feeling that I was about to lose everything.  

His oncologist remained optimistic and decided to put him on a new treatment plan after hearing good things during its trial. He started Immunotherapy in July of this year. We went into this with no expectations in an attempt to mask the fear that we were going to be let down.  During the first few treatments, his  scans and CEA markers were showing continued progression. This whole year has been a whirlwind filled with pain, anger, and disappointment after disappointment.  Prior to these past 30 days, James has experienced loss of appetite, extreme fatigue, daily vomiting, and a lot of muscle loss.  It wasn’t until our trip to Alaska where I started to see a difference in James again; it was like he was alive again.  Those smiles he so freely displayed are ones that I haven’t seen in a very long time.  Recently, during his last treatment, there was a little victory when the Oncologist shared that his CEA level had noticeably gone down.  This was the first time that we had seen an inkling of progress that gave a strong indication that it was going in the right direction.  He has slowly been getting his appetite back and with each passing day he is spending it less and less in bed and more outside the home.  

Yesterday James had his fifth thoracentesis and the amount of fluid removed was a little less than a liter.  This made me the happiest girl in the world because they have consistently been removing close to two liters of fluid at each treatment before today.  Not only did James have that done, he also had his scan to determine if the immunotherapy was working.  Please keep in mind that this plan is our last option for treatment so this was a huge day for us.  We went alone to this appointment and we knew we were both anxious. The silence in the car ride to the hospital spoke volumes about the uncertainty that we were both feeling.  As we walked into the hospital hand in hand, I looked over at him and asked if he wanted to pray together.  We then found ourselves in a small hallway tucked away in the main entrance hugging each other tight not wanting to let one another go.  In that intimate moment we prayed and then walked over to the Intravenous Radiology Department for his scan. 

After the appointments he came home with a slight fever, but nothing we were worried about.  I wanted to reach out to his doctor to make sure he knew this information and at 6:03 PM we received a call about the fever.  What felt like the longest 30 seconds of our lives ended up being one of the best moments that we’ve had in a very long time.  To our surprise he shared that James was showing no signs of progression and things looked stable, Wow, Just Wow!!!!  We’ve been waiting to hear something good for so long that it almost felt unreal at first.  I understand that to some it might not be great news, but knowing that he can continue this treatment and knowing that there is still hope means everything to us.  He has been given more time with us and more time to stand his ground and fight this disease.  It definitely is a daily battle and he is not fighting this battle alone.  The support from all of you keeps him going and there are no words that can describe how powerful and meaningful each and every one of you is to us.  

A few months ago we made the decision to preplan all his arrangements and picked our final resting place.  That was one of the most emotional things that we’ve done as a married couple, but we stuck together and got through it.  The goal was always to have it and not need it and I am overflowing with peace to know that it’s there, but more so that it’s not needed.  Every day is a gift!!.  I am still working on his bucket list and after yesterday’s call, I was given the green light to plan his next adventure.   

  Thank you everyone for your countless check-ins, prayers, dinners, rides, hugs, tears, smiles, and love.  His battle is our battle and we live to fight another day!   

I would like to give a HUGE thank you to Alaska Airlines for making our trip to Alaska a very memorable experience for James.  They caught wind of our story and rolled out the red carpet for him; they had a wheelchair waiting for him so he wouldn’t overexert himself between terminals, they let us board the plane early to take pictures in the cockpit, and we were greeted in the most amazing way by the crew on that flight.  We also shared complimentary champagne and toasted to an amazing trip with everlasting laughs, hugs, kisses, and memories. He was given his very own set up wings too. They even announced him to all the passengers over the loud speaker and gave him a warm welcome as we landed.  What amazing group of truly good people!  

I’m super excited to let everyone know that we made it to Alaska!!!! In fact, I started to write this post as we sit in a parking lot that is located in the small town of the North Pole.  Before this adventure was set to begin, we were not entirely sure if we would be able to make it or not as James was experiencing a terrible cough that was a clear symptom of fluid surrounding his lung.  Thankfully his Oncologist wanted to ensure that we made this trip no matter what so he scheduled James for weekly appointments to get a Thoracentisis.  Over the course of 3 appointments they removed around 4 liters of fluid and James was cleared to make this trip. 

Our plane initially left to Seattle, one of our favorite cities, and we spent a day there.  We made every effort to enjoy some of our special spots in the city, but we were limited on what we could do and his biggest focus was on saving all his energy for Alaska.   

While in Fairbanks Alaska we discovered Chena Hot Springs and loved it so much that we made the hour and half trip the next day to go there again.   We battled the 14° cold weather for an opportunity to see the Aurora. I kept myself highly caffeinated while James slept waiting patiently for a glimpse of the lights.  A few hours into the wait I woke him up to share what I thought was the start of a beautiful show, only to find ourselves being able to enjoy it for a few minutes.  The light was a faint green color and it was too cold for James to leave the car.  He urged me to go outside and take a picture, but I couldn’t fathom the thought of him not being there with me to see it up-close. He wouldn’t take no for an answer, so I stepped out of the car and did exactly what he wanted, I took a picture to capture a moment that meant so much to us.  I was crying the entire time because it wasn’t the show we had envisioned in our heads and that we talked about, but in my heart, I had a feeling that made it feel so warm and amazing. Then to see a giant smile on his face that I haven’t seen in a very long time meant everything to me. The next morning as we were packing up to leave, we shared a moment, and I won’t confirm or deny if we cried together as he told me that the past few days made him so happy that he forgot he was even battling this ugly disease. The smile he carried throughout the whole trip was something that I’ve never seen, and it was priceless.  My heart is full and spirit feels a little brighter!  

We also enjoyed an Apple-tini in a glass hand made out of ice. ” The museum was completed in January 2005 and stays a cool 25° Fahrenheit (-7° Celsius) inside. Keeping the museum icy cold in the heat of summer comes from the patented absorption chiller, the first of its kind in the world used for this purpose”! This was definitely a once in a lifetime experience and as you can see in this picture, his smile says everything. I have cried every single time I look at this.

One of the greatest things about this trip was that we were blessed to share this experience with Robert and Sona Soberanes.  Robert and James are best friends and have known each other since they were in 5th grade at St. Leo’s.  It was a wonderful experience to share these moments with wonderful friends that we call family.  Robert and Sona have made so much of an effort to check-in on us and made it a point to spend as much time with James as possible.  For that we are forever grateful and we love them beyond what words can describe.

FUN FACT:  San Francisco’s population is more than the whole state of Alaska by 100,000 residents. 

As some of you may already know, my husband’s Oncologist made the decision to stop his chemotherapy treatments and pursue an alternate form of treatment.  The Oncologist felt that the chemo was not doing what it should have been doing, and the scans proved his thought correct.  Instead of losing time by waiting longer on the chemo, he saw a window of opportunity for James to benefit from a new treatment.  The last three treatments of chemo have gotten noticeably worse over the weeks with each infusion, so it made sense to explore a new treatment plan.  

After going over all the side effects, he was looking forward to this new treatment and began the first infusion on Wednesday August 21^st.  He gladly was willing to take these measly effects over what he experienced the prior six weeks with the chemotherapy.  Unfortunately, what we thought was not going to happen ended up happening and all he did was trade one bad thing for another.  He is so tired and drained!!!  I cannot even explain what he is going through on a daily basis.  I do not give him enough credit because there are days that I know he gets up on the weekends for me and the kids, not for him, but for US.  He would not have it any other way either.  It’s crazy to imagine what he’s going through when most of us just get tired from a long day at work while he gets tired doing simple daily activities.  He loves his yard work and it’s hard for him to watch his beloved lawn get uglier and uglier so if anyone would like to offer some yard work, we gladly accept (Totally Kidding!!! LOL). Words can’t express how much I love this man.  I love him more than I love myself and I can’t fathom the thought of life without him.  I continue to ask for your prayers daily as we continue this fight against cancer. Love you all!

As time continued to move forward, I’ve realized that I’ve failed to make good on the promise I made to all my loved ones that have been there for us throughout this whole process.  I promised that I would make time for them and make more of an effort to respond to voicemails, text messages, and e-mails.  Well the truth is that I lied to everyone because I haven’t done those things like I know I should be doing and I am sorry.  As of late I’ve lost my motivation to do anything.  I just want to get under a blanket, eat some ice cream, and have a good cry.  I’m mentally, physically, and emotionally drained.  I don’t know how I’m even functioning nowadays.  I get so caught up in making sure everyone else is good around me that I’ve neglected myself.  The truth is, no matter how I’m feeling James and my family will always come before myself right now.  The days that James doesn’t feel well I want to be home, the days he does feel well I want to be home, and the days my kids are feeling well I want to be home.  

I need to snap out this place and make good on my promise to live the rest of our lives as the best of our lives.  I would often tell others going through similar situations that I understood, but that too was a lie because it wasn’t until this very moment that I truly understood the severity of the situation and all the after effects it has on people.  I hope that this dark spell will soon pass and I will then be able to do what I do best and start making people smile & laugh again.  I know that person is somewhere inside me and she WILL make a comeback. Please don’t give up on me and I appreciate and love you all for all the support and kind words!