When James was first diagnosed with the cancer, I tried to find as many ways possible to educate myself and learn more about this treacherous disease.  During those efforts, I found an online support group that was just specifically for Signet Ring Cell Cancer.  I am sure I spoke about this group in a previous post, but I used that group to not only get support, but to give support as well because I know the pain and stress that comes along with it.   There were other groups that James and I both belonged to, but this particular group was only for me.  I wanted it to be my safe place, and it used to be just that for me.  I haven’t gone on much since he passed, unless I wanted to share a picture or a quick update with them.  I put it off for some time and I finally gathered the strength and went there recently to give support and let them all know I haven’t forgot about them.  It’s been extremely hard to go back, but if I was going to stick by my word, then I couldn’t just up and leave this group behind.  I had to live up to the motto “we are in this together” and “you are not alone”.  

It’s been weighing heavy on my heart that I am not doing what I should be doing.  If anyone knows me, they know I have a passion to help others and volunteer when I’m able.  I seemed to have lost that passion and let it go for a while, but after chatting with someone, I decided that I needed to do something in memory of James and focus on supporting those who are new to this battle.  The purpose of starting this blog was to not only share our story, but to educate others as much as possible about this rare type of cancer.  If I can make a difference in at least one person’s life, then I know that I did my job.  

With that being said, I feel strongly compelled to focus my spare time in finding a way to make others smile.  I am not quite sure what that looks like just yet, but for those who would like to join in these efforts please let me know.   I have spent up to 12 hours sitting with James while he was getting his infusions and I can honestly say that I got to learn a lot.  Not everyone has someone to sit with them during a vulnerable time like that.  I would bring treats to the nurses and sometimes the other patients.  I want to do something bigger than that though.  Yes, I will continue to give to the nurses/drs that helped us but like I said, I want to find more ways to help.  I am open to ideas and/or suggestions.  Once the shelter in place is fully lifted, I will give my time so until then, I want to donate to the cause. 

Let’s help make the world a better place and provide kindness when we can.  Thanks again for all the love and support.  Now go out and make someone smile!

Like so many of my other previous posts, I started this as I sat with James over the weekend telling him all about what we’ve been up to and how my week has been. I usually feel compelled to share things and write when I’m the most vulnerable.

I haven’t brought myself to go through all his things just yet. I’m slowly taking on some home projects and finishing up what he always wanted to start, but never was able to do.

I miss him dearly and every day is a different battle that most people will never understand. I lost the only person who ever loved me unconditionally. Honestly after having such a traumatic childhood, I lived most of my adult life never feeling good enough and had a strong feeling inside that told me I was unlovable. My heart was always full of love, just never for myself. I felt damaged and lost, so much so that I disconnected my heart to anyone who ever tried to convince me otherwise. I became a people pleaser and put everyone’s feelings before my own. I recently found myself going back to old behavior where I am seeking outside validation or acceptance. It’s a horrible feeling to always feel something is wrong and most importantly feel that you are the reason things always go wrong. I am slowly working on letting go my fear of abandonment and wanting to be in a person’s life who doesn’t want me there. There is no longer anything to prove to anyone but myself.

James was the first and only person to make me feel like I was good enough and was worthy of being loved. He never judged me or questioned me, he just loved me. I know I’ve said it before, and like we approached most situations (with humor), I will never know what bet he lost to marry me but I’m happy he did. He made life worth living and gave me strength, security, children, family, and sense of self worth. My time with him is unforgettable and I wouldn’t have changed anything about it. He’s the best man I’ve ever known and he will always be in my heart. He made me feel like I was always enough.

Tomorrow is a new day!!

What a year 2020 has been, it’s been hit after hit. Never in a million years did I think I’d be celebrating my 15th wedding anniversary without my husband. Some things should never be questioned and I know that I just need to trust in God’s plan, but my heart is half empty and the smile I wear each day is not real. I miss him so much and just wish he was still here with me. I visit him at his burial site every Sunday and keep him updated on what’s going on in the kid’s lives and tell him how much I love and miss him.

Each day seems to be getting harder and harder and I have no idea where to go from here but James would want me to be strong and move forward with my life, but it’s extremely difficult right now. Grieving is a process and there’s no set time table or road map. Everyone deals with it differently and I’m still figuring out my path. It’s hard not to think about the flowers I would be receiving from him at work today or the laughs and intimate moments we would be sharing later this evening. I’m a total mess today, but you know what, that’s ok. I need to feel these emotions and deal with them. I know I have to be strong for my kids and that’s what’s keeping me somewhat together through this troubling time.

James, I just want you to know I love you and you will always be in heart. I spent the afternoon in Half Moon Bay before coming to the cemetery (where I am as I write this). Heading home to spend the evening with my babies for dinner!

It’s with extreme sadness that I must share with you all, the passing of James’s brother, Frankie.   On Sunday, May 17th, he was taken away  from those who loved him over a senseless act of violence.  His years to grow old with his wife were taken away unnecessarily, and his family is mourning the loss of someone that was their rock.  My heart aches for them because I also suffered a loss not too long ago.  My beautiful mother in law lost her two youngest children a month apart and I can’t even imagine the void and emptiness she feels inside.  She is definitely the strongest woman I know, but even the strong have their breaking point.  

Losing James is still so fresh and raw, I cry every day.  They tell me there are different stages of grief and it’s okay to feel them all.   I never knew a pain like this and I would give anything to have him back.  Just to feel his touch and hear his voice one last time would be worth the price of anything.  Even when I am the most vulnerable and down, I am trying to keep it together for the entire Ibarra family but how can I give comfort while needing to still be comforted?  I don’t know the answer to that question, but I will make every effort to do it and stay strong for my children, my in laws, and especially Frankie’s wife and children.  It was only a month ago that I was in her shoes and God knows it doesn’t get any easier.  I can’t lie and provide the advice that things will get better and she will feel better as each day passes because it’s simply not true.  We just learn to live and move ahead at our own pace. 

My advice to those reading would be to make an effort to tie up lose ends and reach out to those whom you have unfinished business with.  Unfortunately I never got to talk to my brother in law after James passed.   I didn’t get to say good bye or even provide comfort for what he was dealing with and all the stuff that came along losing his baby brother.  

I hope everyone can take away a little something about what you have read.  Pick up the phone instead of texting, hand write a letter instead of sending an email, hug your family for no other reason than you want to feel them close to you, and forgive without an apology because you just don’t know what someone is battling.  Sounds cliche, but next time you hear the words “life is short”, believe it!   

I would like to end this post by bringing something to light.  On April 17th, Frankie honored his brother, my husband, by posting a picture with the hashtag #FlyOnRightThroughMaybeOneDayICanFlyWithYou. Damn this line hit hard when I read it and it’s crazy that this has happened and his line is now a reality.  Fly on, Brother! Fly on!! 

What a blessing my family has received this past week!  As many of you might have noticed in my previous posts, my cousin and I have gotten extremely close over the last several years and our little families have bonded in the most beautiful way possible.  James always enjoyed the time he got to spend with Daniel & Alicia so you can only imagine how excited we were to hear that they were expecting their second child.   On Monday April 20th, their baby girl arrived beautiful, healthy, and strong. 

To add a cherry on top of this wonderful blessing I am so happy to share that they named their sweet baby girl Giuliana James Lee.  I can’t even describe the warmness I feel in my heart when I heard this news.  It’s just another reminder of how truly special James was and how loved he was by those around him.  A part of him will continue to live on in our family. We love you, baby girl!

The past few days have been really tough. His absence is felt each day and Wednesday was the day that I had to take the clothing that he would be wearing for the burial. To my surprise, It wasn’t as hard as I had imagined it would be, but it definitely hit me after I finished everything up and walked out the door. While getting everything together, I put on his shirt before adding it to the garment bag. It made me feel close to him in a weird way.

Before leaving the house that afternoon, I asked each of the kids if they wanted to include anything. One thing that James took so much pride in was his hair. Everyone who knows him knows that his hair was always done, even up until his final day. Our son, Alex, told me that he wanted to put in his hair gel. I thought that was the most creative and appropriate thing he could think of. I know how much James will love that.

Before leaving Oak Hill, I decided to drive by his burial site. I sat in the car for a while alone just enjoying the view and I felt so calm in the moment. We have decided to have a private burial for James and will have a memorial at a later time to include those who loved him. One thing he said to everyone before he left us was how loved he felt. I didn’t doubt that for one minute. Thanks again to everyone who loved him so much and that throughout this time you learned to love me too. I appreciate every single one of you!

On the day that James passed away I had planned to take him to the beach.  He was super adamant about seeing the ocean and I wanted to just take him for a nice drive and sit in the car and share the view with him.  It was also an opportunity for us to spend some more 1:1 time together and to let him know how much I love and appreciate him.  That morning I called off of work to be home with him after having a bad night. I also knew that a drive to the beach was out of the question with the way he was feeling.

At this very moment as I’m writing this, I’m sitting on a cliff over looking the ocean.  It’s so peaceful, It’s raining, and the sound of the waves and the rain hitting the ground are everything that I didn’t even know I needed today.  A few days before our loss, James told me he left me a letter on his laptop.   I was hesitant to read it so soon, but I had a strong feeling inside telling me to drive to the beach today and read it there.  

So as I sit here alone with his laptop reading his letter, I can sense his presence around me.  He always had a way of making me feel so loved and today was just another reminder of how powerful our bond was.  It was definitely like no other.   

Although I loved sharing our stories with all of those who followed his journey, I’m keeping his final words for me private and holding them close to my heart.  I hope he comes to me tonight in my dreams.  I want to see his smile and hear his laugh.  I love and miss him so much!  

It pains me to write this post to share the news of the passing of my sweet, sweet husband and best friend.  He peacefully left us on Thursday, April 2nd 2020 at 8:30am while in the comfort of his home surrounded by myself, three of our four children, and his Mother and Sister Lupe.  It happened suddenly, but I never doubted God’s plan for him, although there were many times that I questioned him why it wasn’t me instead.

He was admired and loved by so many people.  James always took pride in knowing that he was the best father and husband that he could possibly be and he loved me like no other.  He was the light in my life that made me a better Mother, Daughter, and Friend.  The feeling I have right now is indescribable, I feel like someone just punched me and ripped a piece of my heart out.  I have no idea where my journey will go from here, but I’m grateful for having the years and memories that I did with this amazing man. 

He fought the good fight for one year, six months, and 28 days.   During that time I made the rest of his life the best of his life.  James was the most amazing man I’ve ever met and it hurts me inside to know that he is no longer here.  I wake up every morning feeling so empty and broken.  At times I also feel hopeless, but I know he would want me to push forward for myself and for our children.  

There will never be another man like James and he will be extremely missed.  May his memory live on through everyone.

Do you ever wonder what your life would be like without certain people in it?  If there’s anything that this whole experience has taught me it’s that the people that are meant to be in your life will find their way into your life.  My circle has become smaller and I only see it continuing to do so from here.  God definitely had a way of weeding out the toxic ones that I didn’t need and also brought new ones into my life.  

I am forever thankful for everyone that is always there to support me because I know I will need it now more than ever in these next few months.  I would also like to mention that I am especially thankful for the ones that I pushed away and that have stayed by my side anyways.  I have a tendency to isolate myself when I’m going through depression or hard times and I know I can be cold and seem like I don’t care.  The truth is that I care so much and just don’t like to overwhelm anyone.

Sorry, this post isn’t meant to be sad, it’s supposed to be about the importance of  friendship, support, and love.  THANK YOU for continuing to make me smile in the darkest of moments of my life.  Your presence means more to me than you will ever know. 

What a crazy time we are all currently living in right now.  As many of you will recall, in my last post James was set to start Hospice.  So far we’ve had about seven visits from the home Hospice Care Nurse and it’s been a struggle for James to find the perfect medication “cocktail” to help provide him the comfort he needs.  

As each day passes, I see the struggle in his eyes growing stronger.  I can only imagine what is going on in his head and what he is truly feeling deep inside.  I know he’s put on a brave face for me and the kids, but watching someone you love in constant pain is by far the worst life experience I’ve ever faced, and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy.  God knows how I’ve struggled with my own demons and how I would do anything to trade places with him to free him from all the pain and fear.

The feeling of helplessness gets worse as each day passes and I just want to hold him and make it all go away, but even a gentle touch sometimes is painful for him.  I want to sleep for him so he can feel rested and I want to walk to the kitchen for him so he doesn’t feel the struggle of breathing.  These are just a reminder of a few things that we have all taken for granted at some point in our lives. 

I’m truly starting to feel scared about losing the only person who has ever loved me unconditionally.  I can’t imagine my life without him and it’s going to leave a void so deep I don’t know if I can ever recover.  Hug your loved ones tight, pick up the phone and make that apology to someone you care about that you wronged, make time for ones you neglect because the last thing you want to feel is regret for not doing those things if something was ever to happen to them.  Thank you all for your love and support, I definitely need it now more than ever!