As some of you may remember, before James’s passing, one of his last wishes was to see the northern lights. We were able to see the lights during our trip to Alaska back in October of 2019 with our compadres, however the lights were extremely faint.

We decided to try again and this time we took all the kids with us. That trip was in February 2020. Unfortunately, after several late nights, we didn’t get a glimpse. Me being the determined wife that I am, I told him that I was going to book another trip as soon as possible to fulfill his wish. He told me that it would be too much for him physically as he was too tired to make another trip and instead asked me and the kids to chase the lights for him. At that time, I decided that Alaska would be a place we can go to visit as a family to keep his memory alive and to also ensure that we fulfilled our promise to him.

I decided that we were going to go back and try to see the lights again on the same dates as last year with the same AirBnB and the same exact itinerary to do his favorite things. The night before we were scheduled to leave, I got an alert that our flight was cancelled due to inclement weather. I was devastated. Now anyone who knows me knows that I never give up when I am determined to do something. So I booked us on an earlier flight. An hour later, that flight was also cancelled. After exhausting every option available, I was able to find a flight leaving out of San Francisco but that meant we had to move quickly. Keep in mind that this was my last ditch effort to get us on a plane. Before I knew it, all six of us were sitting on the plane waiting for take off. I was so excited and had a good feeling that we were going to be able to see the aurora borealis this time around.

Days 1-3 were mostly us getting settled in and acclimating to the climate and site seeing a few things. It was now Day 4 and we had no luck with the lights. This made me feel so sad and discouraged. On our 5th and final day there the weather had given us a low probability to see the lights and I almost gave up. We then found ourselves with a couple hours to spare before heading to the airport to catch a red eye flight, so we decided to go to a popular spot called Creamer’s field and wait it out there in hopes that we would get a glimpse of something before it was time to go.

While sitting in the car to keep warm, as it was -24 degrees outside, I looked over and saw people outside their car taking pictures. Me being pessimistic, I shouted out loud, “I don’t think those are the lights, that might be fog”. But the pessimism turned into pure joy as we all began to shout out loudly “the lights are coming through”. We immediately jumped out of the car and started to take pictures. Sure enough it was the northern lights and it brought me to tears. I wanted to share this moment with our compadres (his best friends) since they joined us for our trip back in 2019. I facetimed them as Arianna facetimed my mother-in-law. They were all so happy for us!!

We did it, we kept our promise and chased the lights for my beloved husband. It was an unforgettable moment to be surrounded by our kids and granddaughter. I like to think James had something to do with this as what are the odds that the lights would appear one hour before us having to leave to the airport to catch our flight. The only thing missing was our oldest son, Jacob. He wasnt able to make the trip with us, but we will be back again next year, the same dates of course, and he will be with us to share the moment.

These past 10 months without James have made me learn so many new things about myself. It’s crazy to say this, but I am still finding new ways to fall in love with him again.

It fills my heart to know that everyone reading this will also share and partake in this joy. We got to experience something amazing and it made me appreciate the earth’s beauty. Thank you James for still making our lives special!!

“I met James over 13 years ago when he came to work at our company. What started out as a professional relationship turned into a friendship that I’ve missed every day since he left us.

I realized, while writing this, how difficult it is to pick a single memory and to pick just one, would not do all the other ones justice. From the Tuna Melts at the SC Wharf, after the Girls had finished a race, to our Ramen and Mongo excursions, the “napkin” tricks and the 60 “yacko” nights after our Holiday Parties. Those unexpected texts with some hilarious memes that would cause us to laugh out loud.. Talking sports, Star Wars, 3 Stooges, UltraMan, Godzilla, Tattoos, anything and everything under the sun… All the little things that add up to great memories. I miss all that, but most of all, I miss my Friend, my Brother, James”.

Ride Easy Jefe, hasta siempre, James.

“To all my friends, present, past and beyond
To all those who weren’t with us too long
Life is the most precious thing you can lose
While you were here the fun was never ending
Laugh a minute was only the beginning
James Anthony Ibarra, my brother, this one’s for you”

Pennywise- Bro Hymn

Marco, I couldn’t help but cry reading this. It took me a while to bring myself to post it. All the memories you talked about are things I remember all too well. Every dinner date that James and I had would always include him pulling out his phone and taking a picture of his food. And every time I would say “let me guess, you are sending that to Marco and Derrick”. His response was always “Marco is going to reply with that looks phenomenal”. The amount of support and comfort you and Julie have displayed during the past 2 years has been so wonderful. My family appreciates you more than you know. Love you!!! – Bambi

“One of the many cherished memories of time spent with Mi Hermanito was the day Mom and I joined him for what I believe ended up being his last chemo session. I remember it as if it were yesterday. At the end of what turned out to be one of his longest chemo days, mom and I hugged him and said “We will be here to join you for your next scheduled session.” We had such a fun day; we reminisced on so many good memories, we laughed so much, we snacked throughout the day, (I made sure I brought some goodies and Cristal brought us lunch) We sang along with this gentleman who made his way around the room playing guitar for all to enjoy; well, it was mom and I who sang while my brother, clowning around, teased and laughed at us. He was the first patient there and the last to leave that evening. I admire his strength and his faith, fighting to the end. #JamesStrong that’s who he was.💙

That day, however long, didn’t seem that long for we were filled with great joy; we were where we were supposed to be, supporting mi hermanito, cheering him up, keeping him company. I think back on that day often and although I tear up it makes my heart happy. Even though we were there for my brother, seems he was there for us. He has always been so much fun and brought great cheer to whomever was around, and for those memories I am so very grateful.

Oh how I wish I could have that time again. Oh, how I wish.

Miss him so”. – Rosie Renteria

I remember this day clearly. We didn’t know it at the time but this was his last cycle. Shortly after this day they made the decision to stop treatment. I remember getting him home and all he talked about was how much fun he had with you both. He had a laugh like no other. Thank you for being there with him.

Reality has finally sunken in that this will be our first Christmas without our beloved James. Under normal circumstances I would totally be planning our Christmas morning breakfast menu and wrapping gifts all week leading up to Christmas, but not this year. It will definitely be different to say the least.

Some of you may already know that James was a huge Adam Sandler fan and we watched all his movies together. While Adam Sandler is amazing, James’s all time favorite movie was The Nightmare Before Christmas. This movie first came out in 1994. James and I were just friends at the time and I was living in Chicago. As soon as the movie came out on VHS, I bought it for him. He kept it this entire time and we still have the tape.

This Christmas we will be having our usual Christmas morning breakfast and plan to stay safe and be home alone with just us. The rest of the day will consist of a movie marathon that will start with The Nightmare Before Christmas and will continue with all his other favorite movies that we loved to watch together as a family. My kids also have a special dinner planned that they will be cooking all by themselves. I couldn’t ask for a better day.

I welcome all the prayers for our family during this emotionally draining time. The outpour of love that we still receive is just amazing. I just want everyone to know we are okay. It will definitely be hard and I can guarantee there will be some tears shed, but I wish you all a very Merry Christmas. Don’t forget to tell your loved ones how much they mean to you.

P.S.- I couldn’t bring myself to send Christmas cards this year. I’m so sorry to all the friends and family that loved our cards. It just wasn’t something we were ready to do as a family yet.

I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and self-reflection as of late and feel the need to share a few things with you all. It was two years ago today, on August 31st, that I found myself anxiously sitting in a waiting room for a nurse to call me and inform me that James was done with his colonoscopy and ready to leave the hospital. After what felt like a lifetime, they called me to go into the back to sit with him while he was waking up. They explained to me that everything had went well, but that they “did find a suspicious growth that they were sending for testing”. I immediately felt sick and broke down crying. My heart felt like it stopped beating temporarily and I was having trouble breathing as I felt the life had been sucked out of me. James, still under anesthesia, asks me “why are you crying, I am fine, baby”. The nurse was rubbing my back telling me to stay positive, but I knew deep inside that this wasn’t good and that my life would forever change. After a couple of weeks, the results confirmed the feeling that I had, and the tumor was already outside the colon wall.

Today, August 31, is a very bittersweet day for me. Yes, I am sad because it is a constant reminder of when my life was about to change, but it’s also a blessing because today I received some great news that I have been waiting for. I didn’t share this previously, but I went in for a routine mammogram this past July that should have been done in December. Yes, I know this is bad on my end, but as you all know I had other priorities. During my appointment I explained to the staff that I did feel a small lump, but was confident it was just scar tissue from a past surgery that I had the year before (in April 2019 I had made the decision to go ahead and have a breast reduction and now I guess the world knows…HAHA). The doctor’s office called me two days later and informed me that they did see something that was very small and wanted to get some additional images of the area. This can be common, so I wasn’t worried. They did say that I had the scar tissue, but that this was something else. So I anxiously went in for additional images that same day and before I left, the Doctor confirmed they did see something, but it was small and early so they wanted me to wait four to six months to monitor any changes.

After I met with my primary care physician on July 17th, she agreed for me to get a second opinion and referred me to a Specialist. I met with the Specialist on August 3rd, 2020 and she said I had nothing to worry about, but that she would consult with another Dr/Surgeon to see if they should look further. That next day I got a message saying that they have enough to move forward with a biopsy now. You can only imagine the first thing that went through my head was “I can’t put my kids through this again”. I was so scared and beat up inside. 2020 had already taken everything from me and now I had a feeling it was going to take me. During my first trip to the doctor’s office for a biopsy, I had gone through almost the whole thing when the machine just suddenly broke. Just my luck, right?! I couldn’t immediately test again once it had been fixed as I had to heal from the first attempt before scheduling another one. Two weeks later, on August 27th, I went in for the second attempt at this and it was successful. I spent the weekend with Family out of town and kept my mind occupied while I waited. Today, I got the call from my Doctor letting me know that it was benign, and that I didn’t need any follow up for 12 months.

I want to cry, scream, and smile all at the same time. I’m so truly happy and relieved for my children, but sad today too. This had been weighing heavy on me and I knew I couldn’t tell anyone; I didn’t want anyone to worry about the worst possibility. Now I’m glad I can share this amazing news with you all today! Thank you to the few of you who did know and were there for me when I needed you. Love you mucho! Xoxox

When James was first diagnosed with the cancer, I tried to find as many ways possible to educate myself and learn more about this treacherous disease.  During those efforts, I found an online support group that was just specifically for Signet Ring Cell Cancer.  I am sure I spoke about this group in a previous post, but I used that group to not only get support, but to give support as well because I know the pain and stress that comes along with it.   There were other groups that James and I both belonged to, but this particular group was only for me.  I wanted it to be my safe place, and it used to be just that for me.  I haven’t gone on much since he passed, unless I wanted to share a picture or a quick update with them.  I put it off for some time and I finally gathered the strength and went there recently to give support and let them all know I haven’t forgot about them.  It’s been extremely hard to go back, but if I was going to stick by my word, then I couldn’t just up and leave this group behind.  I had to live up to the motto “we are in this together” and “you are not alone”.  

It’s been weighing heavy on my heart that I am not doing what I should be doing.  If anyone knows me, they know I have a passion to help others and volunteer when I’m able.  I seemed to have lost that passion and let it go for a while, but after chatting with someone, I decided that I needed to do something in memory of James and focus on supporting those who are new to this battle.  The purpose of starting this blog was to not only share our story, but to educate others as much as possible about this rare type of cancer.  If I can make a difference in at least one person’s life, then I know that I did my job.  

With that being said, I feel strongly compelled to focus my spare time in finding a way to make others smile.  I am not quite sure what that looks like just yet, but for those who would like to join in these efforts please let me know.   I have spent up to 12 hours sitting with James while he was getting his infusions and I can honestly say that I got to learn a lot.  Not everyone has someone to sit with them during a vulnerable time like that.  I would bring treats to the nurses and sometimes the other patients.  I want to do something bigger than that though.  Yes, I will continue to give to the nurses/drs that helped us but like I said, I want to find more ways to help.  I am open to ideas and/or suggestions.  Once the shelter in place is fully lifted, I will give my time so until then, I want to donate to the cause. 

Let’s help make the world a better place and provide kindness when we can.  Thanks again for all the love and support.  Now go out and make someone smile!

Like so many of my other previous posts, I started this as I sat with James over the weekend telling him all about what we’ve been up to and how my week has been. I usually feel compelled to share things and write when I’m the most vulnerable.

I haven’t brought myself to go through all his things just yet. I’m slowly taking on some home projects and finishing up what he always wanted to start, but never was able to do.

I miss him dearly and every day is a different battle that most people will never understand. I lost the only person who ever loved me unconditionally. Honestly after having such a traumatic childhood, I lived most of my adult life never feeling good enough and had a strong feeling inside that told me I was unlovable. My heart was always full of love, just never for myself. I felt damaged and lost, so much so that I disconnected my heart to anyone who ever tried to convince me otherwise. I became a people pleaser and put everyone’s feelings before my own. I recently found myself going back to old behavior where I am seeking outside validation or acceptance. It’s a horrible feeling to always feel something is wrong and most importantly feel that you are the reason things always go wrong. I am slowly working on letting go my fear of abandonment and wanting to be in a person’s life who doesn’t want me there. There is no longer anything to prove to anyone but myself.

James was the first and only person to make me feel like I was good enough and was worthy of being loved. He never judged me or questioned me, he just loved me. I know I’ve said it before, and like we approached most situations (with humor), I will never know what bet he lost to marry me but I’m happy he did. He made life worth living and gave me strength, security, children, family, and sense of self worth. My time with him is unforgettable and I wouldn’t have changed anything about it. He’s the best man I’ve ever known and he will always be in my heart. He made me feel like I was always enough.

Tomorrow is a new day!!

What a year 2020 has been, it’s been hit after hit. Never in a million years did I think I’d be celebrating my 15th wedding anniversary without my husband. Some things should never be questioned and I know that I just need to trust in God’s plan, but my heart is half empty and the smile I wear each day is not real. I miss him so much and just wish he was still here with me. I visit him at his burial site every Sunday and keep him updated on what’s going on in the kid’s lives and tell him how much I love and miss him.

Each day seems to be getting harder and harder and I have no idea where to go from here but James would want me to be strong and move forward with my life, but it’s extremely difficult right now. Grieving is a process and there’s no set time table or road map. Everyone deals with it differently and I’m still figuring out my path. It’s hard not to think about the flowers I would be receiving from him at work today or the laughs and intimate moments we would be sharing later this evening. I’m a total mess today, but you know what, that’s ok. I need to feel these emotions and deal with them. I know I have to be strong for my kids and that’s what’s keeping me somewhat together through this troubling time.

James, I just want you to know I love you and you will always be in heart. I spent the afternoon in Half Moon Bay before coming to the cemetery (where I am as I write this). Heading home to spend the evening with my babies for dinner!