It’s been exactly five months and six days since my last post. I often find myself revisiting old entries, reflecting on how far I’ve come, or simply reliving the moments that brought me joy. One post, in particular, stood out that was titled “Don’t Be Afraid to Say I Love You” from September 2024. In that entry, I admitted that I had considered walking away from this blog entirely. But knowing my tendency to make impulsive decisions, I chose to give it a little more time.

Now, after much thought, I’ve made the difficult decision to close this chapter. This will be my final post on this site. This isn’t a decision I take lightly. Writing has been my therapy, my safe space, my way of processing life’s highs and lows. It has given me the chance to share my journey, to connect with so many of you, and to remind myself of the strength I’ve built along the way. But this post doesn’t mean I will stop writing altogether, it simply means I’m making space for something new.

Learning to Live for Tomorrow:  Unless you’ve walked this path yourself, it’s hard to understand that grief doesn’t have an end date. The love we have for those we’ve lost never fades, and neither does the sadness. We just learn to navigate life differently.

Over the past few years, I’ve watched friends and family build their lives; marriages, babies, career milestones, even losses of their own. Meanwhile, I’ve felt stuck in time, unable to fully move forward. My closet is proof of that.  Yes, I started cleaning it, but I never finished. If you walked into my bedroom today, you might think James still lived here. My mom’s belongings remain untouched in boxes, a reminder of my lingering regret. I regret the time it took for her and I to get as close as we were when she passed.

I’ve told myself for so long that I want to be happy. But now, I’m ready to do more than just say it. I want to live it. I want to focus on myself.  My kids are getting older, finding their own paths and I want to do the same without being dependent on them.  I was for a long time and that is not fair to them. They took care of me when I needed them the most and I will be forever grateful for that.

Honoring James, Five Years Later:  In exactly 19 days, it will be five years since James passed. To some, five years is a long time. To me, it still feels like yesterday. The pain hasn’t lessened, but I am choosing to celebrate his life. I want to honor him with love, with gratitude, and with the understanding that he never wanted me to be sad. There will still be tears, but they will exist alongside laughter, hope, and new beginnings.

A New Chapter!  I don’t know exactly what’s next. Maybe I’ll start a new blog, maybe I won’t. But what I do know is that I am excited for what is next.

To those who have been here since day one, you know who you are.  Thank you! Thank you for reading, for supporting, for simply being present.

This ride has been real. And I hope you’ll stick around to see where the next one takes me.

XOXOX – Bambi

For over 25 years, I had someone in my corner who saw me, truly saw me, and allowed me to be exactly who I was; flaws, impulses, and all. My husband, James, was my anchor. He never asked me to change, never made me feel like I had to hide or soften my edges. he accepted me unconditionally, and not just me, but my children too. He was our greatest advocate when things got tough. He stood by us, defended us, and I never had to explain or justify myself. But now, without him, I find myself facing the same battles Ive been fighting for the past 15 years. I am who I am, impulsive at times, fiercely outspoken when it comes to what I believe is right. And I won’t apologize for that. But what Ive realized is that being passionate about standing up for what’s right can often come across as harsh or create distance with those involved.

The more I fight for my truth, the more the gap seems to widen. So lately, Ive chosen silence. I’ve chosen to remove myself form the conversation rather than letting it create more tension. I still have a lot to say, still believe deeply in my causes, but I’ve learned that not every fight is worth the emotional toll. And for some people, it’s already too late to bridge the gap. The distance has already grown, and I’ve had to accept that. I’ve come to peace with the fact that not everyone will understand me or the reasons I speak so passionately. And that’s okay. My voice may not always be heard by the people I want to hear it, but I’ll continue to stand in my own truth. I’ll continue to love and cherish the people who understand me, who have stood by me through thick and thin. In the end, it’s those real supporters who matter most. They are the ones who allow me to be myself, just like James did. And that’s something I will always hold on to.

It has been a while since my last post. I was hesitant to write this one and seriously considered retiring this blog entirely. But I know I tend to make impulsive decisions, so to combat that tendency, I thought I would give it just a little more time before doing so. 

I have been surrounding myself with those who have been there since day one. My circle has been getting smaller and smaller as people are slowly losing contact with me and the kids. I am still uncertain if that is a blessing (allowing the trash to take itself out) or something that I can (or should) work to repair. 

I can’t say it hasn’t been a struggle these past several months. The loss of my brother has really taken a toll on me. Replaying that call, and hearing the screams on the other end, will forever haunt me, and as much as I try to push the memory deep down, it always resurfaces. I am upset with the Phoenix PD and how they handled the case from the beginning. I truly believe that the 8+ hour delay for the responders to show up at the scene showed negligence and, honestly, has given me a mild case of PTSD.

But it wasn’t just the loss of my brother, but also my mom.  I think about that so much. I will forever miss my husband, but he and I were at peace. We told each other how much we loved one another. I didn’t get that opportunity with my brother and it wasn’t until the end with my mom, that we got closure. I have no doubt my mom knew how much I loved her. But to be honest, I hold on to so much regret knowing we could have been closer so much sooner.  Now, I am a victim of my own doing when I sit up late at night with my own thoughts.

It seems every time I am on the path of having my closure, something else blindsides me. I’ve lost more friends and family in the past few years than I have lost in my whole life. Not only have I had to grieve the death of many loved ones, I have had to grieve the loss of severed relationships. 

I went to a memorial service earlier this month in support of a colleague and friend of James’. He lost his daughter, and as I was sitting there, listening to this beautiful service, one of the many touching things the pastor said was: “Don’t be afraid to say I love you. Don’t be afraid to forgive”. That resonated and stuck with me.

Hearing everyone go up and speak about this beautiful woman who caused her own downfall, reminded me so much of my brother. I felt as if every word was being directed at me. It hit way too close to home. My heart ached for their family as I was selfishly thinking of myself and how what everyone was saying heavily impacted me. My heart hadn’t had the chance to heal yet. 

I made a promise to myself that I would write more positive posts even when I was writing the tough ones. Despite this somewhat sad post, I am actually in a very good headspace these days. I am continuing therapy and was seeing my therapist weekly. It has helped me tremendously. However, this week is the first week that we decided to push our appointments to a biweekly basis because of all of the progress I’ve made.

I returned a month ago from my 2 weeks in Europe, which deserves its own post that I will be working on very soon. Alex started his junior year of high school. I feel like James and I were just taking him to his first day of kindergarten. College tours are coming soon and I am excited for what his future has in store for him. No matter what he does, I know his dad will be proud.  The girls are thriving and loving life too.  Andrea is a Sr. Accountant and Arianna is working temporarily with the county while she finishes her background checks for TSA.  Both are happy in their personal and professional lives. 

The purpose of this post was to give a brief update of what is new and to remind everyone how precious life is. I will close my post by sharing what was shared with me; Don’t be afraid to say I love you. Don’t be afraid to forgive. And most importantly, don’t be afraid to love yourself. 

Let’s dive right into it.   Today I was told that the boy, now man, that called me mom and I grew to love as my own, doesn’t want anything to do with me.  Those were the exact words, “He doesn’t want anything to do with you”.  Although hurtful, deep down I knew it was true and I was okay with that.  Once James was diagnosed, him and I were no longer of value, so we were both treated as such.   The efforts we put in to trying to save someone when they didn’t want to be left an opening to not be there for those who did want us around.  This isn’t a topic I usually talk about, but I’ve never lied to any of my readers and have been open and transparent, so you get all of me, good and bad.  I’ve been humbled.  However, I made the decision to walk away from the people who create a disservice to me and my kids.  So, I will not let this situation consume me or fall victim to someone else’s guilty conscious.  For that, I am happy. 

To everyone else, I lost James 3.5 years ago.  To me, I lost him yesterday.  Grief isn’t anything I would wish on an enemy.    Before James went into hospice, we had a group meeting with his palliative team.   We sat in a room while the counselors talked to us and the kids.  They explained how the stages of grief will happen at different times for each of us.  I wrote about this before, but it wasn’t until now that I understood what that means.  The kids were busy making sure I was okay that they put their grief second to mine.  Now, they are slowly moving on with life and allowing themselves to do the things that make THEM happy.   I am very excited for them but also see the family dynamic shifting, all in a good way.  It’s tough watching each of them going through different stages in life all while navigating through the grief.  As much as it hurts to watch them move on as I remain at a standstill, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I relied on James and the kids to help me get through the toughest days of my life and it is about time I put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving.  Without James and slowly as the kids are becoming responsible adults, I need to take ownership of how my life turns out.  I am a work in progress.  Going forward, I won’t allow the emptiness in some people’s hearts take away what is filled in mine. Today, I am more broken yet happiest I’ve been in a long time.

A friend recently text me and said “certain times you need to be busy and other times you don’t.  But, knowing when to change lanes to make the most out of what time we have left is important”.  I felt that and this is exactly what I plan to do, MAKE THE MOST OUT OF THE TIME I HAVE LEFT!

I was a recent guest on a podcast talking about happiness. At first, I thought I wasn’t equipped to speak on such a topic. However, considering what I have been through, I am the perfect person to talk about how we should appreciate life and understand all the little things that makes us happy. Podcast details will be coming soon!

I end this post by telling you all how much I appreciate each of you that has continued to support me and love me unconditionally. You are the glue that is keeping me together. You know who you are! But I promise you, I am striving to do better daily.

Those who knew James knew that he loved the Dallas Cowboys. It was his team, and that was non-negotiable. James had a passion for sports. He always would tell the kids and me that we could choose our own teams for everything except football. In our house, the Cowboys reigned supreme.  Lucky for him, we followed his lead for all sports, not just football.

Football season is a tough time for me. I would often spend the day making his favorite football foods, or just occupy myself with shopping and running errands. I will never let go of those memories. Now I spend my Sundays at the cemetery.

I still have his preset Sirus XM radio stations in the truck. Sometimes, I get in and a sports station would be playing (knowing I didn’t have that on when I last drove it). I like to think he’s trying to just tell me to listen for him. In addition to watching the games, James took fantasy football quite seriously. He would plan our weeks around it. I now would give anything to be able to complain about it to him again. I have not had the courage to follow sports like I used to when he was alive. How could I? Watching the game isn’t the same as with him in the room next to me. 

It has been quite a rough day today. One of his good friends sent a text saying “I see pics from Oxnard & think of James.” Oxnard is where the Dallas Cowboys training is held. James went as often as he could. It’s funny how something that seems so little can make such an impact on someone’s life. Yet, for James, it was a big deal. 

I want to end this with some advice for you. The next time you have a chance, hug your partner. Tell them you love them. Appreciate their quirks and pray that you won’t be put in the position to write about all of those things that you truly miss about them. Life can end so suddenly. Treasure what you have while it’s still there.

So much has changed during these past six months! Let’s just get right into it. The biggest change has been with the company that I keep. It is during the toughest situations in life that expose a person’s true colors. 

Recently, someone asked me why I decided to cut some people out of my life. I was actually pleasantly surprised that they asked me that question. It felt good to know that someone wanted to know the truth rather than creating their own story in their mind out of fear of asking. Sometimes people are afraid of the truth. Yet, the fact is that I am not one to shy away from standing up for myself. I am a very outspoken person. I pride myself on standing up for what is right. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s simple: What you see is what you get. 

I am a firm believer that if you are aware of someone’s poor behavior and you do not act or stand silent, then you are just as guilty as the offending party. As I get older, I find myself having no patience for those who do not take responsibility for their actions. I am tired of hearing the excuse “that’s just how they are.” It’s never too late for someone to take responsibility and make positive changes in their lives. 

I have found the courage to finally stop giving second chances to those who hurt me and especially my husband. The person who asked me that difficult question gave me the opportunity to share my story, and I am thankful for that. I am happy that they did not opt to turn a blind eye or be an enabler of the problem as others have. 

If you have any questions or want insight, do not hesitate to ask. I am an open book. Yet, I warn you: do not ask if you are not ready to hear it. This year has been harder than I expected it would be. It’s not just for the obvious reasons (if you know, you know). Some of the difficulties have been due to my kids and I moving out of the house we called home for the past 17+ years. That was definitely not easy for us to do. Leaving the only place where my kids have felt safe has been harder than anyone could imagine. 

I started to write this while sitting alone in the garage on the last night of us in the house. We spent our last few weeks painting, cleaning and getting things in order. I cut a piece of the backyard cactus that James loved so much. We will take it with us and plant it in our new home. It’s not the same, but it’s a piece of home and something that will allow me and my kids to feel closer to James. And if and when we ever move again, we will take it with us and plant it wherever we go. 

We all cried that last night together, yet we are so grateful for the memories we have and can take with us. I know that this is God’s plan for us. We are ready for the new adventures that our life brings. I now reflect and write at the late hours, but feel compelled to put my thoughts into words as this evening has been incredibly emotional.

Much LOVE to you all! And thank you for your continued support as we continue to navigate through all our changes. Our circle may be getting smaller but the love is only getting greater!

I have no doubt that my son carries on the same passion for music that his Father had. He has been an avid collector of records for a while, and his collection is growing larger every day. He began collecting records long before he even had a record player. On his birthday that just passed, his sister Arianna asked me if it was okay to get him concert tickets to see one of his favorite artists, Jawny. I was hesitant to agree, as the concert was on a school night. Yet, I knew how happy it would make him, and realized that it would be a great gift.

Later, I was told that Arianna had also got me a ticket. I try to be in bed by 9pm and immediately wondered how I would manage staying up so late. I tried everything I could think of to get out of going. Then it hit me! “My grown children want their mom to go with them”. I realized how special that was. I told myself, “When your children asks you to go with them, you go”, and I am glad I did. It was such a memorable time. Not only was the concert one of the best I had been to, but the vibe truly resonated with me.

After the show, when the venue cleared out, the drummer made his way back to the stage. My oldest daughter sparked up a casual conversation with him. She works for Universal Audio and unless you are in the music industry, you know what a big deal that is. She looked at him as a person and not the drummer from the concert that happened just minutes prior. The conversation ended with an exchange of phones numbers. As we started to head out, Alex says “I really want to meet Jawny”. They decided to hang around a little longer in hopes to meet the rest of the band while I left to stay warm in the car.

Before I knew it, they were all taking pictures together, just them and the band with no interruptions. I was watching from a distance. The look on Alex’s face was priceless. Despite their massive talent, they were all some of the most genuine and nicest people. They were all standing together, talking about life. At one point, Alex said Jawny was admiring his Spotify playlist. They both love Muse, another one of Alex’s faves.

At one point, Jawny took Alex’s phone to take a selfie with him. Alex said “I have a very old phone”. Andrea jumped in and explained how Alex refuses to get a new phone because the one he has once belonged to his Dad before giving it to him. She talked about how he recently passed away. There was truly an outpouring of positivity from everyone. It was incredibly touching.

The next day, Alex posted some of the photos from the night on Instagram. Can you guess who commented? It was Jawny himself. It wasn’t just a generic reply, either. He said, “keep that android forever”. I want to thank Jawny, Curtis, and Gambee for making my son’s day! You have no idea just how much the kindness you displayed will forever be remembered. And I loved how you admired the close relationship that he had to his sisters. I hope that their father and I played a role in that.

Now, several days since the concert, the smiles are just as fresh as they were when we made that drive home from San Francisco.

I find joy in reading through my older blog posts from the beginning. It gives me a sense of closure. It also allows me to relive those moments. It still makes me feel close to him, even though much of it hurts to read. Although the words in these posts are beautiful, they are also sad. Today I want to change that. I want to write about something happy. At first glance, this may seem like a sad post, but I have decided I want to remove the sadness and make it positive. 

I used to complain that James was not romantic enough. At the time I wanted him to be more attentive. For example, he would sometimes forget to hold a door open for me. I reminded him that he set the standard for our children and taught them what they should expect from their future partners. I wanted my daughters to see him set a high standard in regard to how a man should treat a woman. I also wanted my son to learn how to treat a lady through his example and the importance of being a good partner. 

Yet, when I look back, I think of how foolish I was for thinking he wasn’t up to par. In hindsight, he was everything he should have been. Now I realize that he exemplified how a man should treat a woman in every way. If he was here now, I would tell him he was perfect. Not only did he give me everything that I wanted, but he also gave me everything that I needed. He never gave me less than his unconditional love. I can probably count on one hand the number of times he raised his voice at me during a twenty-year period. He never called me a bad name, even when he was angry. To me, that says a lot about a man.  He was never malicious or tried to intentionally hurt my feelings.

When I would make suggestions to him about being more romantic, I never realized just how romantic James was when compared to other men that iv’e crossed paths with. Observing male colleagues, a person that I met at my grief group, watching men on random TikTok videos, or listening to stories from a friend of a friend, I realized that men no longer know what chivalry means. This made me stop and realize that I had it so good. I really had nothing to complain about. While I wanted my children to always have a better example, they had the best example all along. 

This has made me think about myself and who I am. Each day I learn who I am without James. I am a person who loves being in love and words of affirmation is my love language. Yet, I am never nice to myself. I feel that I don’t have positive things to say. Someone asked me if I was ready to date again (which is a common question that I get). I know that I am currently not ready for a serious commitment. I honestly don’t know if I ever will be. Only god knows his plan for me.

While it gets lonely at times. I miss the things I did with James. I thought that I could only do them with a partner. I started to think to myself, “I can still do those things.” I can learn who I am, love myself, and most importantly, I can respect myself. With that in mind, I made the decision that I am ready to date. But, the only person I want to date is myself. I want to buy myself flowers, go to dinner, travel, and do everything that James and I did. Instead of doing it with someone else, I can do those things with and for myself. I don’t even remember the last time I put on a dress since James passed away. The only time I would wear a dress was when he would take me out or we had a social event. Now I can get dolled up for ME. The best part is that I know that I will win every argument when I’m dating myself. I am looking forward to finding me again.  Not MOM me, not WIFE me, not WIDOW me, but ME….. I am excited to learn and discover new things. I am ready to see where 2023 leads me. I may be alone, but I refuse to be lonely.