Let’s dive right into it.   Today I was told that the boy, now man, that called me mom and I grew to love as my own, doesn’t want anything to do with me.  Those were the exact words, “He doesn’t want anything to do with you”.  Although hurtful, deep down I knew it was true and I was okay with that.  Once James was diagnosed, him and I were no longer of value, so we were both treated as such.   The efforts we put in to trying to save someone when they didn’t want to be left an opening to not be there for those who did want us around.  This isn’t a topic I usually talk about, but I’ve never lied to any of my readers and have been open and transparent, so you get all of me, good and bad.  I’ve been humbled.  However, I made the decision to walk away from the people who create a disservice to me and my kids.  So, I will not let this situation consume me or fall victim to someone else’s guilty conscious.  For that, I am happy. 

To everyone else, I lost James 3.5 years ago.  To me, I lost him yesterday.  Grief isn’t anything I would wish on an enemy.    Before James went into hospice, we had a group meeting with his palliative team.   We sat in a room while the counselors talked to us and the kids.  They explained how the stages of grief will happen at different times for each of us.  I wrote about this before, but it wasn’t until now that I understood what that means.  The kids were busy making sure I was okay that they put their grief second to mine.  Now, they are slowly moving on with life and allowing themselves to do the things that make THEM happy.   I am very excited for them but also see the family dynamic shifting, all in a good way.  It’s tough watching each of them going through different stages in life all while navigating through the grief.  As much as it hurts to watch them move on as I remain at a standstill, I wouldn’t have it any other way.  I relied on James and the kids to help me get through the toughest days of my life and it is about time I put one foot in front of the other and just keep moving.  Without James and slowly as the kids are becoming responsible adults, I need to take ownership of how my life turns out.  I am a work in progress.  Going forward, I won’t allow the emptiness in some people’s hearts take away what is filled in mine. Today, I am more broken yet happiest I’ve been in a long time.

A friend recently text me and said “certain times you need to be busy and other times you don’t.  But, knowing when to change lanes to make the most out of what time we have left is important”.  I felt that and this is exactly what I plan to do, MAKE THE MOST OUT OF THE TIME I HAVE LEFT!

I was a recent guest on a podcast talking about happiness. At first, I thought I wasn’t equipped to speak on such a topic. However, considering what I have been through, I am the perfect person to talk about how we should appreciate life and understand all the little things that makes us happy. Podcast details will be coming soon!

I end this post by telling you all how much I appreciate each of you that has continued to support me and love me unconditionally. You are the glue that is keeping me together. You know who you are! But I promise you, I am striving to do better daily.

Those who knew James knew that he loved the Dallas Cowboys. It was his team, and that was non-negotiable. James had a passion for sports. He always would tell the kids and me that we could choose our own teams for everything except football. In our house, the Cowboys reigned supreme.  Lucky for him, we followed his lead for all sports, not just football.

Football season is a tough time for me. I would often spend the day making his favorite football foods, or just occupy myself with shopping and running errands. I will never let go of those memories. Now I spend my Sundays at the cemetery.

I still have his preset Sirus XM radio stations in the truck. Sometimes, I get in and a sports station would be playing (knowing I didn’t have that on when I last drove it). I like to think he’s trying to just tell me to listen for him. In addition to watching the games, James took fantasy football quite seriously. He would plan our weeks around it. I now would give anything to be able to complain about it to him again. I have not had the courage to follow sports like I used to when he was alive. How could I? Watching the game isn’t the same as with him in the room next to me. 

It has been quite a rough day today. One of his good friends sent a text saying “I see pics from Oxnard & think of James.” Oxnard is where the Dallas Cowboys training is held. James went as often as he could. It’s funny how something that seems so little can make such an impact on someone’s life. Yet, for James, it was a big deal. 

I want to end this with some advice for you. The next time you have a chance, hug your partner. Tell them you love them. Appreciate their quirks and pray that you won’t be put in the position to write about all of those things that you truly miss about them. Life can end so suddenly. Treasure what you have while it’s still there.

So much has changed during these past six months! Let’s just get right into it. The biggest change has been with the company that I keep. It is during the toughest situations in life that expose a person’s true colors. 

Recently, someone asked me why I decided to cut some people out of my life. I was actually pleasantly surprised that they asked me that question. It felt good to know that someone wanted to know the truth rather than creating their own story in their mind out of fear of asking. Sometimes people are afraid of the truth. Yet, the fact is that I am not one to shy away from standing up for myself. I am a very outspoken person. I pride myself on standing up for what is right. I wear my heart on my sleeve. It’s simple: What you see is what you get. 

I am a firm believer that if you are aware of someone’s poor behavior and you do not act or stand silent, then you are just as guilty as the offending party. As I get older, I find myself having no patience for those who do not take responsibility for their actions. I am tired of hearing the excuse “that’s just how they are.” It’s never too late for someone to take responsibility and make positive changes in their lives. 

I have found the courage to finally stop giving second chances to those who hurt me and especially my husband. The person who asked me that difficult question gave me the opportunity to share my story, and I am thankful for that. I am happy that they did not opt to turn a blind eye or be an enabler of the problem as others have. 

If you have any questions or want insight, do not hesitate to ask. I am an open book. Yet, I warn you: do not ask if you are not ready to hear it. This year has been harder than I expected it would be. It’s not just for the obvious reasons (if you know, you know). Some of the difficulties have been due to my kids and I moving out of the house we called home for the past 17+ years. That was definitely not easy for us to do. Leaving the only place where my kids have felt safe has been harder than anyone could imagine. 

I started to write this while sitting alone in the garage on the last night of us in the house. We spent our last few weeks painting, cleaning and getting things in order. I cut a piece of the backyard cactus that James loved so much. We will take it with us and plant it in our new home. It’s not the same, but it’s a piece of home and something that will allow me and my kids to feel closer to James. And if and when we ever move again, we will take it with us and plant it wherever we go. 

We all cried that last night together, yet we are so grateful for the memories we have and can take with us. I know that this is God’s plan for us. We are ready for the new adventures that our life brings. I now reflect and write at the late hours, but feel compelled to put my thoughts into words as this evening has been incredibly emotional.

Much LOVE to you all! And thank you for your continued support as we continue to navigate through all our changes. Our circle may be getting smaller but the love is only getting greater!

I have no doubt that my son carries on the same passion for music that his Father had. He has been an avid collector of records for a while, and his collection is growing larger every day. He began collecting records long before he even had a record player. On his birthday that just passed, his sister Arianna asked me if it was okay to get him concert tickets to see one of his favorite artists, Jawny. I was hesitant to agree, as the concert was on a school night. Yet, I knew how happy it would make him, and realized that it would be a great gift.

Later, I was told that Arianna had also got me a ticket. I try to be in bed by 9pm and immediately wondered how I would manage staying up so late. I tried everything I could think of to get out of going. Then it hit me! “My grown children want their mom to go with them”. I realized how special that was. I told myself, “When your children asks you to go with them, you go”, and I am glad I did. It was such a memorable time. Not only was the concert one of the best I had been to, but the vibe truly resonated with me.

After the show, when the venue cleared out, the drummer made his way back to the stage. My oldest daughter sparked up a casual conversation with him. She works for Universal Audio and unless you are in the music industry, you know what a big deal that is. She looked at him as a person and not the drummer from the concert that happened just minutes prior. The conversation ended with an exchange of phones numbers. As we started to head out, Alex says “I really want to meet Jawny”. They decided to hang around a little longer in hopes to meet the rest of the band while I left to stay warm in the car.

Before I knew it, they were all taking pictures together, just them and the band with no interruptions. I was watching from a distance. The look on Alex’s face was priceless. Despite their massive talent, they were all some of the most genuine and nicest people. They were all standing together, talking about life. At one point, Alex said Jawny was admiring his Spotify playlist. They both love Muse, another one of Alex’s faves.

At one point, Jawny took Alex’s phone to take a selfie with him. Alex said “I have a very old phone”. Andrea jumped in and explained how Alex refuses to get a new phone because the one he has once belonged to his Dad before giving it to him. She talked about how he recently passed away. There was truly an outpouring of positivity from everyone. It was incredibly touching.

The next day, Alex posted some of the photos from the night on Instagram. Can you guess who commented? It was Jawny himself. It wasn’t just a generic reply, either. He said, “keep that android forever”. I want to thank Jawny, Curtis, and Gambee for making my son’s day! You have no idea just how much the kindness you displayed will forever be remembered. And I loved how you admired the close relationship that he had to his sisters. I hope that their father and I played a role in that.

Now, several days since the concert, the smiles are just as fresh as they were when we made that drive home from San Francisco.

I find joy in reading through my older blog posts from the beginning. It gives me a sense of closure. It also allows me to relive those moments. It still makes me feel close to him, even though much of it hurts to read. Although the words in these posts are beautiful, they are also sad. Today I want to change that. I want to write about something happy. At first glance, this may seem like a sad post, but I have decided I want to remove the sadness and make it positive. 

I used to complain that James was not romantic enough. At the time I wanted him to be more attentive. For example, he would sometimes forget to hold a door open for me. I reminded him that he set the standard for our children and taught them what they should expect from their future partners. I wanted my daughters to see him set a high standard in regard to how a man should treat a woman. I also wanted my son to learn how to treat a lady through his example and the importance of being a good partner. 

Yet, when I look back, I think of how foolish I was for thinking he wasn’t up to par. In hindsight, he was everything he should have been. Now I realize that he exemplified how a man should treat a woman in every way. If he was here now, I would tell him he was perfect. Not only did he give me everything that I wanted, but he also gave me everything that I needed. He never gave me less than his unconditional love. I can probably count on one hand the number of times he raised his voice at me during a twenty-year period. He never called me a bad name, even when he was angry. To me, that says a lot about a man.  He was never malicious or tried to intentionally hurt my feelings.

When I would make suggestions to him about being more romantic, I never realized just how romantic James was when compared to other men that iv’e crossed paths with. Observing male colleagues, a person that I met at my grief group, watching men on random TikTok videos, or listening to stories from a friend of a friend, I realized that men no longer know what chivalry means. This made me stop and realize that I had it so good. I really had nothing to complain about. While I wanted my children to always have a better example, they had the best example all along. 

This has made me think about myself and who I am. Each day I learn who I am without James. I am a person who loves being in love and words of affirmation is my love language. Yet, I am never nice to myself. I feel that I don’t have positive things to say. Someone asked me if I was ready to date again (which is a common question that I get). I know that I am currently not ready for a serious commitment. I honestly don’t know if I ever will be. Only god knows his plan for me.

While it gets lonely at times. I miss the things I did with James. I thought that I could only do them with a partner. I started to think to myself, “I can still do those things.” I can learn who I am, love myself, and most importantly, I can respect myself. With that in mind, I made the decision that I am ready to date. But, the only person I want to date is myself. I want to buy myself flowers, go to dinner, travel, and do everything that James and I did. Instead of doing it with someone else, I can do those things with and for myself. I don’t even remember the last time I put on a dress since James passed away. The only time I would wear a dress was when he would take me out or we had a social event. Now I can get dolled up for ME. The best part is that I know that I will win every argument when I’m dating myself. I am looking forward to finding me again.  Not MOM me, not WIFE me, not WIDOW me, but ME….. I am excited to learn and discover new things. I am ready to see where 2023 leads me. I may be alone, but I refuse to be lonely.

One of my favorite quotes is from Ferris Bueller. It says, “life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it.” There is so much truth behind that quote. Yet, I look at my life and feel that I am at a standstill. I often feel that life is moving on for those around me and my children, and here I am, stuck. 

This is not the first time I have mentioned that this is a rough time of year for me. This is where James’ diagnosis started to unfold. One year later, at the same time, this is where he began to decline. Even though time has passed, I don’t think that many realize that I am still suffering from the same hurt and survivor’s guilt that came in April 2020. I wonder, will it ever go away?

I look back, realizing that few things have changed since then. The biggest change has been family dynamics. I have never felt as alone as I do now. I ask: is it the holidays, or is it because my children and I are all truly alone? While I see people living their lives all around us, I feel that we are still stuck with this overwhelming feeling of helplessness. Sometimes it is all-consuming. I don’t want others to feel sorry for us, I never ask for pity. Instead, I desire to be understood. I crave respect. There have been times that I have found it lacking. 

I treasure the handful of people who have never left our side. Those people know who they are, and I am incredibly grateful. Beyond those who are physically here with us, there are those who work as a silent support system. They are the ones that I can call any time of day. I can’t imagine life without each of you. 

Just recently, I was home alone while my kids were spending the weekend in Reno. At 1am, the doorbell rang. There was no way I was going to answer the door at that hour. Instead, I let the person speak through the camera. A woman on the other side told me that her phone died and was asking for help. I asked for a phone number to call so she could get help, yet she did not have one to give me. 

With my kids being four hours away, I had to act quickly. There was no time to hesitate. They received an alert and wanted to know if I was safe. My oldest called my neighbor followed by my daughter-in-law. At that point, I was on the phone with 911. Before the police arrived, my daughter-in-law and neighbor had arrived at my door. I had hoped that the police would be able to help this girl. Yet, I was thankful that I had people to call on who dropped what they were doing and showed up within minutes. They helped make sure my house was secure and confirmed that the person at my door did not pose a danger.  I’ve watched enough crime news to know this could be a potential ploy to get me to open the door. I figured the police would be there to either protect this girl or protect me.

This experience has helped me realize that I am not as alone as I sometimes feel. My friends and family know that my children already lost one parent. I am confident that they will do everything in their power to make sure their mama is safe. I know my kids have a go-to plan. They were 4 hours away and were still able to follow through with making sure I was safe. As far as my daughter-in-law, she showed up ready for anything. Clearly, my daughter’s first calls were to the right people. She knew that between my DIL and my neighbor, I wasn’t alone. Thank you, Leanna and Sherry!

After James passed away, I was seriously considering purchasing a firearm. Looking back, I was in no position to have one. I have been healing daily while working on my mental health. I feel that I am finally ready to make that move. I have been looking for one, and with the help of a few knowledgeable people, I think I have found something that will work best for me and my home. 

This is another reminder that my kids mean everything to me. Sometimes I need them to protect me just as much as I find myself needing to protect them.

As you all know, we take an annual trip to Alaska in memory of my husband, James. It is something we love to do as a family. It is a way for us to remember the amazing times spent at one of James’ favorite places. Each year we go at the same time to make it extra special. When my mom became ill and went into hospice earlier this year, we made the decision to cancel this year’s trip so that we could care for her. She passed away on one of the days that we would have been in Alaska. While I was originally disappointed to forego our annual tradition, spending those final days with my mom was a gift. I wouldn’t have it any other way. It is now six months since she passed away and I miss her so much. 

When we canceled our trip, we found ourselves with flight credits to use at a later time. We thought hard about what we should do with them. After some discussion, we decided to use it to take a much-needed family trip. This would be a trip with just the kids and I. It would be something new and special for us.

This is the first time that we had a vacation with just the four of us since James passed away. I was hesitant to take this trip. However, Alex was about to start high school and if we were going to do it, we needed to do it before school started. 

I almost decided against booking the trip, but my oldest daughter surprised me with a few activities. She even booked us a rental car. Doing something nice for the family was crucial to her, and I am glad she took the initiative. I can see that the happiness of the family is very important to her. It made my heart very happy. Arianna followed with planning to take us all out for dinner. It makes me feel that James and I did something right with how we raised our daughters. Their generosity is a reflection of that. So here I am starting this post while being sun-kissed by the Hawaiian sun.

As a single mom, it is not easy to just pick up and take a vacation. It was a lot more simple when we were a two-parent household. Yet, here we are, and happy to be surrounded by my babies. Getting away as a family was definitely worth the hassle. I can not begin to express how thankful I am to have my amazing kids by my side, and I am happy to share our adventures with all of you. Your continued support is what keeps me going. 

Anxiety is real (and lame).  The anxiety I have experienced over the years is nothing compared to how it is today, literally speaking.  Before, I would casually say “oh, I have crazy anxiety today” about this or that.  However, today is so much different.  Only people who have experienced this before will understand.  I am an over thinker, and you take that with what I am experiencing now is overwhelming. 

For example, I question every word I say or every action I take.  I react in the moment and feel regret just minutes later.  That kind of mental torment takes over you, causes harm, and can make a person sick.  I don’t know how to read a text without making up my own tone in my head of how it was written.  An unanswered text or call has me questioning every moment that leads up to me asking myself “what did I do”. 

As a matter of fact, I am sure after publishing this blog post, I will think of 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have.   

I cried when I realized what I was writing in my book didn’t provide a timeline of how my husband’s cancer progressed.   Instead, I provided certain topics/subject that I wanted to share which in hindsight maybe I was preventing myself from feeling the pain again.  I can’t pinpoint the reasonings but after reading my book from a different lens, I wish I would have done so many things differently.  Shared a different story.  There is no turning back now.   

This anxiety has taken a toll on me but this time, James isn’t here to fix it or make it go away.  He had a way with me that I can’t explain.  He just made everything and every day a better one.  I miss him dearly!

This is not the post I wanted to write but for those who have not ordered a copy of the book yet, I have taken it down for a while. It is no longer available for purchase. You might be able to place an order but it won’t ship and eventually be cancelled. I am sorry if I prematurely reacted out of excitement. I just need to make sure it is the best it could be and it wasn’t. Next version will be sent at no charge to everyone who purchased the first version. I promise you won’t be disappointed.