It has been a while since my last post. I was hesitant to write this one and seriously considered retiring this blog entirely. But I know I tend to make impulsive decisions, so to combat that tendency, I thought I would give it just a little more time before doing so. 

I have been surrounding myself with those who have been there since day one. My circle has been getting smaller and smaller as people are slowly losing contact with me and the kids. I am still uncertain if that is a blessing (allowing the trash to take itself out) or something that I can (or should) work to repair. 

I can’t say it hasn’t been a struggle these past several months. The loss of my brother has really taken a toll on me. Replaying that call, and hearing the screams on the other end, will forever haunt me, and as much as I try to push the memory deep down, it always resurfaces. I am upset with the Phoenix PD and how they handled the case from the beginning. I truly believe that the 8+ hour delay for the responders to show up at the scene showed negligence and, honestly, has given me a mild case of PTSD.

But it wasn’t just the loss of my brother, but also my mom.  I think about that so much. I will forever miss my husband, but he and I were at peace. We told each other how much we loved one another. I didn’t get that opportunity with my brother and it wasn’t until the end with my mom, that we got closure. I have no doubt my mom knew how much I loved her. But to be honest, I hold on to so much regret knowing we could have been closer so much sooner.  Now, I am a victim of my own doing when I sit up late at night with my own thoughts.

It seems every time I am on the path of having my closure, something else blindsides me. I’ve lost more friends and family in the past few years than I have lost in my whole life. Not only have I had to grieve the death of many loved ones, I have had to grieve the loss of severed relationships. 

I went to a memorial service earlier this month in support of a colleague and friend of James’. He lost his daughter, and as I was sitting there, listening to this beautiful service, one of the many touching things the pastor said was: “Don’t be afraid to say I love you. Don’t be afraid to forgive”. That resonated and stuck with me.

Hearing everyone go up and speak about this beautiful woman who caused her own downfall, reminded me so much of my brother. I felt as if every word was being directed at me. It hit way too close to home. My heart ached for their family as I was selfishly thinking of myself and how what everyone was saying heavily impacted me. My heart hadn’t had the chance to heal yet. 

I made a promise to myself that I would write more positive posts even when I was writing the tough ones. Despite this somewhat sad post, I am actually in a very good headspace these days. I am continuing therapy and was seeing my therapist weekly. It has helped me tremendously. However, this week is the first week that we decided to push our appointments to a biweekly basis because of all of the progress I’ve made.

I returned a month ago from my 2 weeks in Europe, which deserves its own post that I will be working on very soon. Alex started his junior year of high school. I feel like James and I were just taking him to his first day of kindergarten. College tours are coming soon and I am excited for what his future has in store for him. No matter what he does, I know his dad will be proud.  The girls are thriving and loving life too.  Andrea is a Sr. Accountant and Arianna is working temporarily with the county while she finishes her background checks for TSA.  Both are happy in their personal and professional lives. 

The purpose of this post was to give a brief update of what is new and to remind everyone how precious life is. I will close my post by sharing what was shared with me; Don’t be afraid to say I love you. Don’t be afraid to forgive. And most importantly, don’t be afraid to love yourself.