Do you still miss him? Are the kids doing okay? Do you see yourself ever dating again? Are you still grieving? What are your plans? Those are all questions that have been asked multiple times by multiple people. It seems that these are the questions that people want to know. The answer is, I don’t have an answer. Every day is different. Right now I just want to focus on me and my mental health.

As I write this, it’s been 1 year, 4 months, 18 days since I lost my husband. During the time James was going through immunotherapy, he was feeling his best and we thought it was a good time for me to go back to work after being home with him for about a year after diagnosis. I started my new job in early December 2019. Everything was going great, then his health started to decline. I found myself being a caregiver to my mom, juggling a new job and time with my husband, dealing with the start of a pandemic, and all the other family issues that come along with what we were going through. You can imagine the stress that came along with all of that. I was about three and a half months in to my new job when James went into hospice. I didn’t go with him to his last appointment to see his Oncologist, our oldest daughter went with him that day. At the time we didn’t know that would be his last appointment. Had I known the Doctor was going to say “we will just focus on keeping you comfortable” then I would have made an effort to go to this appointment. James called me as he was walking back to the car. Imagine, me at a new job and trying my best to keep my shit together. I didn’t want to be judged by anyone at work, but knowing now what I wish I knew then was I would end up being judged anyways. James passed just a few weeks later. Quarantine had started and it was a scary time for everyone. After my bereavement time was over, I was working from home, like most people. I was at home every day looking at the same spot where my husband passed. I was still training at the time and I just couldn’t retain the information. Those who have worked with me in the past know this isn’t me. But it was clear I had to sink or swim. I sank!! I sank and almost drowned until I got the okay to return to the office on August 5, 2020. By that time, too much damage was done. It is something I need to accept. My fear of failure was actually my reality. I failed!! I failed at keeping my shit together. No one will ever understand unless you been through it but a colleague told me that I need to get it together after I was explaining my struggles. “a life is a life, people lose loved ones everyday”, that was the response I got when I explained losing a spouse is life changing. I went home that day and cried myself to sleep but this person was right I guess, why should I get a pass, what made me special? It didn’t matter that watching him suffer daily and slowly die from this horrible disease was traumatic for me and my children. I was no different from a person who lost a friend, a mother, a cousin, a neighbor, a grandparent, or even co-worker.

I invested my time with people who I thought cared. I was in survival mode and wanted to make everyone happy in fear of failure. My self-worth was at the mercy of others. I contemplated leaving my company so many times because I associated it with an ugly time in my life. I lost my husband, I made poor decisions, I was numbing the pain with alcohol, and wasn’t who I used to pride myself to be. It was a daily struggle. Then a bitter sweet blessing happened a few weeks ago when I was told that my entire team was being laid off later this year. The silver lining is I will have the opportunity to fix what was broken. I can spend time with my kids and allow them to be kids again. They all stepped up when I couldn’t and I will be forever grateful. I am excited to close this chapter and ready for the next. It hasn’t been written yet but I am planning on making it the start of many joyful moments. Work on me! By working on myself, I will be a better mom, daughter, friend, and employee to the next company who gets the pleasure of having me on their team.

Thank you to those who never gave up on me when I was at my worst. I write this to you! By sharing this with you all, I hold myself accountable. I can’t wait to meet the girl that I know is in me. Although losing a job has a whole new set of obstacles, I know I will land on my feet, I always do. The day we were notified, I had a 1:1 with my boss and I walked in the conference room and he asked me “why are you smiling”…. I knew at that moment that I had so many things to look forward to. It is funny how life works. I didn’t need to make the decision, it was made for me because god knew I couldn’t make it alone.

My company is great and I enjoyed my time here and the people I crossed paths with but I am READY to leave that all behind and start my next adventure and work on ME! Let’s go!