I wrote this letter to James and read it during his memorial service earlier this year (April 2021). It was the hardest thing I had to write and I wanted to keep it to myself but if I read it to all those who joined his service then I can share it with all my readers. After all, I started this blog to share my story. That means to be vulnerable and also be transparent. Here is my final love letter to my beloved husband.

To my forever love,

We had our first real date in 2001. I remember it like it was yesterday. You were wearing a mustard color button up and smelled like you just walked out of a GQ magazine. Over 20 years later, I still have that exact shirt. I remember putting it on when I finally had the courage to go through your side of the closet. I knew that day of our first date that you would one day be my husband.

I tried to write this letter so many times. There are just so many things I want to tell you. I miss how every day you would text or call me to let me know you made it to work okay. Even on the days we drove together and I dropped you off myself. You thought it would make me laugh and it did. You had a smile that lit up any room. I would joke all the time saying I didn’t know what bet you lost when you decided to spend your life with me. The truth is, I still question how I was able to get you to marry me. It could have been my awesome dance moves, or maybe because you needed a little bit of crazy in your life. Either way, we had a way to balance each other out and I lived for it.

There is not a single day that has gone by that I have not thought about you. I wake up each morning finding distractions to help me get through the day. I know I was not an easy person to love, especially when I didn’t know how to love myself but somehow that changed. You gave me everything I needed and taught me how to love. I used to think I was the strongest one between the two of us and boy was I wrong. You were a man of faith and you reminded me daily what a wonderful life we had

I miss my early morning weekend texts telling me to come downstairs and meet you in the backyard. I already knew what I was going to find, you sitting there waiting for me with a cup of coffee in your hand. You made my coffee every weekend without fail. I still can’t manage to make my own cup of coffee, It just doesn’t taste the same. We would sit outside, drink our coffee, and just enjoy each other’s company before the kids wake up. Sometimes we would sneak off and have breakfast without them and then come home pretending like that we just went to run an errand. Most of the time they could see the guilty look on our face.

Thank you for loving me the way you did. It is the type of love that some people only read about or see in movies. The type of love that could never be replicated. The type of love that can take your breath away. I remember how sometimes you would catch me looking at you as if it was the first time we met. That kind of love is rare and that is what we had.

We often talked about growing old together and how you would take care of me in my old age. Now I am left for our children to take care of me and we both know we don’t trust them like that. I am counting down the days to be with you again. To see your smile is what I look forward to the most.

I can talk about how things were after you became ill but I refuse to give that ugly disease any attention today. Today we celebrate you and how you made an impact on so many lives. It is evident by the amount of love that has been displayed this past year. You are deeply missed by so many. Please continue to watch over us, and look after our kids, walk besides them daily.

I want to thank your mom for loving me and being the best mother in law a person can ask for. Don’t worry babe, I am doing my best to take care of her as much as she takes care of me. She is ultimately the reason you were the man you were.

I love you forever and ever!

Hug hug, kiss kiss, hug hug, big kiss, little hug, kiss kiss, little kiss.

Your Wife,

Bambi