As things have kind of settled down for the time being, I find myself sitting here thinking of all the ways that I can live up to my promise and make the rest of James’s life, the best of life, and more importantly how can I make him happy.  After brainstorming and having conversations with myself, it just hit me; James is already happy.  He has so many beautiful people fighting this ugly disease with him.  Just our small circle at home is enough to make him feel empowered so you can only imagine the strength he feels knowing that all of you are by his side.

As many of you may know I work full-time, I’m a mother, and have also been a caretaker.  If you look up the definition of caretaker it states that this type of individual is “a family member or paid helper who regularly looks after a child or a sick, elderly, or disabled person.”  I take great pride in knowing that I am doing everything in my power to take care of James.   This means digging down and finding that strength and energy to be the best caretaker I can be and giving him everything he wants, even down to the Xbox he got for Christmas.  I’m totally that annoying wife that likes to bug him or make fun while he plays, but somehow watching him play a video game doesn’t make me laugh the way that it used to anymore. Maybe it’s just become routine or maybe it’s because reality is starting to set in and I know these moments are borrowed time and won’t last forever.

I became extremely emotional in that moment and decided to open up my laptop to start writing about what I was feeling.  After typing some things out, this is what poured out of my heart…If I look back at the past 20 years, James has always been MY caretaker.   I never gave him enough credit for having to deal with me.  God knows I’m not the easiest person to love, but James loves me every day.  Whether it’s getting me gas in the morning before work while I get ready, or sending me flowers at work, or even just massaging my feet on the couch each night, he always did it without hesitation.  He’s the only man in my life that I never questioned or doubted their love for me.  The next time someone asks me if I’m his caretaker, I will say “No,  No I’m not.  I’m his partner and his battle is my battle.”  I can never take care of him the way he has taken care of me and our family, but that will not stop me from trying.

Tears are falling down my face as I write this because I’m thankful for him and am overwhelmed with so much emotion.  He’s my lobster (only a select few will know where that’s from) and out of all the love stories that have been written, ours is my favorite.  I love you James and thank you for loving me and more importantly, teaching me to love myself again.