Anxiety is real (and lame).  The anxiety I have experienced over the years is nothing compared to how it is today, literally speaking.  Before, I would casually say “oh, I have crazy anxiety today” about this or that.  However, today is so much different.  Only people who have experienced this before will understand.  I am an over thinker, and you take that with what I am experiencing now is overwhelming. 

For example, I question every word I say or every action I take.  I react in the moment and feel regret just minutes later.  That kind of mental torment takes over you, causes harm, and can make a person sick.  I don’t know how to read a text without making up my own tone in my head of how it was written.  An unanswered text or call has me questioning every moment that leads up to me asking myself “what did I do”. 

As a matter of fact, I am sure after publishing this blog post, I will think of 10 reasons why I shouldn’t have.   

I cried when I realized what I was writing in my book didn’t provide a timeline of how my husband’s cancer progressed.   Instead, I provided certain topics/subject that I wanted to share which in hindsight maybe I was preventing myself from feeling the pain again.  I can’t pinpoint the reasonings but after reading my book from a different lens, I wish I would have done so many things differently.  Shared a different story.  There is no turning back now.   

This anxiety has taken a toll on me but this time, James isn’t here to fix it or make it go away.  He had a way with me that I can’t explain.  He just made everything and every day a better one.  I miss him dearly!

This is not the post I wanted to write but for those who have not ordered a copy of the book yet, I have taken it down for a while. It is no longer available for purchase. You might be able to place an order but it won’t ship and eventually be cancelled. I am sorry if I prematurely reacted out of excitement. I just need to make sure it is the best it could be and it wasn’t. Next version will be sent at no charge to everyone who purchased the first version. I promise you won’t be disappointed.